Two Boy Scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts. Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts. When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came upon a cemetery. The boys decided that it would be a good place to stop and rest to divide the nuts. The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts into a large pile. In the process, two of the nuts rolled away and settled near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide the nuts. "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me..." As they were doing this, another

"You don't have anything in your head except soccer," said a wife to her husband. "I'm sure you've even forgotten when we got married!" "Of course I haven't forgotten," replied the husband. "That was the day England beat Italy 2-1."

A general was confined to a military hospital for treatment of a minor malady. For almost a week, he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest, and so on. One afternoon, an orderly entered the room. "Time to take your temperature, General," the orderly said. After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer. "Sorry, General, but

3 men were being interviewed for a position for the FBI. The interviewers needed to know the men were going to be loyal to the FBI until the very end. So they set up a little test. They put each of the 3 men's wives in the room. They sent the first man in with a gun, and told him to kill his wife. A few minutes later the man comes out crying. He says, "I just can't do it. I love her." He gives back the gun. They send the second man in and he comes out crying a few minutes later, hands back the gun, and says, "We've had too many good years. I just can't kill her. I'm sorry." So finally they send in the third applicant. They listen closely to the door and try to see if this man will succeed. T

A lawyer had just rented a cabin up north and was planning to do some hunting. So he goes up and finds that he has a neighbor. The neighbor is from Czechoslovakia. They decide to go hunting together and become good friends. While they camped out during the night 2 bears, a male and a female, attacked them. The lawyer just managed to get away. He stole a glance back and saw his Czechoslovakian friend get eaten whole by the male bear. The lawyer runs to the police and tells them to come and hurry and bring some tranquilizer guns. They run up into the woods where their camp was and they stumble across the 2 bears sleeping. The police say, "Which bear ate your friend?" The lawyer says, "The m

Q. Why do young blondes carry goldfish in their pockets? A. So they can smell like old blondes.

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed, and driving his partner nuts. Finally, his exasperated partner said, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!" The guy answered, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man. You don't stand a chance in hell of hitting her from here!"

A Cajun named Jean Paul moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I got some bad news. The donkey died." "Well then, just give me my money back." "I can't do that. I went and spent it already." "OK then, just unload the donkey." "What ya gonna do with em." "I'm gonna raffle him off." "Ya can't raffle off a dead donkey!" "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anyone he's dead." A month later the farmer met up with the Cajun and asked, "What happened with the dead donkey?" "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 apiece and made a profit of

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas-pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?" The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but, I haven't had a clue." The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo." "Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away. The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car. "Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo." "Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we

One day a man and a woman were driving and they get into a terrible collision with each other. Both cars are wrecked beyond recognition, but they both crawl out of the wreckage unhurt. The woman says, "In a terrible accident...both of us are alive and, well, this must be a sign from God!" The man agrees. The woman says, "Well, we should celebrate our lives...here, let's drink to our celebration." She reaches into her wreckage of her car and pulls out a bottle of champagne which miraculously was not broken or even cracked. The man takes a huge gulp of the wine and passes it to the woman who politely waves it away. The man says, "Don't you want any? It was your idea." The woman says, "No thank

Chucky wanted $100 to buy a remote control car, so he prayed like crazy for two weeks ... but nothing happened. Chucky decided to write God an urgent letter, requesting $100. When the post office received the letter addressed to God, USA, they forwarded the letter to the president. The president was so amused by the letter that he told his secretary to send Chucky a $5 bill, figuring this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. When Chucky received the cash, he was so delighted that he wrote a thank you note which read: Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that you sent it through Washington, D.C. Next time, don't do that because, as usual,

Why do brunettes like their dark hair color? -It doesn't show the dirt Who makes all the bras for brunettes? -Fisher-Price. Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes? -The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable. Why are most brunettes flat-chested? -It makes it easier for them to read their T-shirts. Why are brunettes so proud of their hair? -It matches their mustache. Why is the color brunette considered evil? -When's the last time ya saw a blonde witch? How can you tell a brunette is lonely? -Check her for a pulse. What is the most frustrated animal in the world? -A brunette rabbit What did the frustrated brunette say to her uninterested lover? -"What part of 'yes' do you not unde