Q: Did you hear the story about the peacock? A: It's a beautiful tail.

Q: Why did George Washington sleep standing up? A: He couldn't lie.

A man is up on stage telling blonde jokes, and the crowd is eating them up. Suddenly a blonde steps up in the back and starts cursing the man because of him telling the derogatory jokes. To stop him, he offers her the deal of her answering 5 multiple-choice questions. If she can answer them correctly, he'll get off the stage and never tell another blonde joke. She agrees and he starts questioning her. "1) How long was the 100 yr war? A) 116 B) 99 C) 100 D) 150" The blonde says "I will skip this" The man continues, "2) In which country are the Panama hats made? A) BRASIL B) CHILE C) PANAMA D) EQUADOR" The blonde asks for help from any university students near her, and then skips the questio

Upon retirement, Dave had realized that he had poured himself into his work his entire life and never married. After spending a few weeks at home alone he decided that he needed some companionship and headed for the pet store. After looking around the store he thought that he would like to purchase a bird. He began looking at the selection available and noticed that one bird sold for $100 and the bird in the next cage was priced at $10,000. He looked and looked and studied the two birds, but he could not tell the difference, so he called over the store owner and asked him to explain. The owner said, "The $10,000 bird is a perfect bird and the $100 bird is just the average everyday bird.".

Two turds were sitting beside each other in a toilet, when one looks to the other and says, "man, you smell like shit".

Q: What's the difference between a rabbit and a cow? A: One's a rabbit and one is a cow

Q: Why DIDN`T the skull cross the road? A: Because he didn`t have the guts!

Why did the frog cross the road? A: He was tied onto the chicken.

Here's how a man evolves directly following marriage. The Love Word: After 6 weeks: I love you, I love you, I love you! After 6 months: Of course, I love you. After 6 years: GOD, if I didn't love you, then why do you think I proposed? Back from Work: After 6 weeks: Honey, I'm home After 6 months: BACK!! After 6 years: What did your mom cook for us today? Phone Ringing: After 6 weeks: Baby, somebody wants you on the phone After 6 months: Here, for you After 6 years: ANSWER THE PHONE! Cooking: After 6 weeks: I never knew food could taste so good! After 6 months: What are we having for dinner tonight? After 6 years: AGAIN! New Dress: After 6 weeks: Wow, you look like a

Yo Momma is so ugly, that when she met the ugliest man on Earth, he shrieked in terror and jumped out the window.

A man settles into his seat on the plane, when another man sits down and puts his black Labrador Retriever in the seat next to him. The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why he is allowed on the plane. The second man explains that he is a DEA agent and that the dog is a "sniffing dog". "His name is Sniffer, and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work." Once the plane has taken off and levels out, the agent says, "Watch this." He tells Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for a several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the age

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."