A husband & wife are talking. Husband: "How many times have you cheated on me?" Wife: "Only twice." Husband: "Tell me about them." Wife: "Remember when you were very sick, and we didn't have money to pay for the doctor? Well, I slept with him." Husband: "That's not so bad; and the other?" Wife: "Remember when you were running in the elections, and you needed 450 votes?"

What's the difference between a teacher and a train? A train goes "chew, chew, chew," and a teacher says, "Spit that gum out!"

How many FBI agents does it take to change a lightbulb? Shut up! We'll be asking the questions here.

Q: How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 3. One to change it and the other two to argue whether the lightbulb really exists.

"We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up." -Phyllis Diller

Every solution breeds new problems.

Join the Marines: Visit exotic places, meet interesting people and then kill them.

A guy goes to the movies one day, and in the front row there's an old man. With him was his dog. It was a sad, funny kind of film. You know the type. In the sad part the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part the dog laughed his head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended the guy decides to go and speak to the man. "That's the most amazing thing I've ever seen," he said. "Your dog really seemed to enjoy the film." The man turned. "Yeah, it really is amazing, because he hated the book."

Did you hear about the new Polish million dollar lotery? You get a dollar a year for a million years!!!

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Why does a blonde smile at lightning? She thinks she's getting her picture taken.

What if people bought cars like they buy Computers? The car companies don't have help lines for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers, imagine if they did..... Helpline: General Motors Helpline, how can I help you? Customer: I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened! Helpline: Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it? Customer: What's an ignition? Helpline: It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine. Customer: Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all these technical terms to use my car. Helpline: Toyota Helpline, how can I help you? Customer: M