One beautiful morning, a husband and wife decided to go for a drive in the country. Unfortunately, no matter which road they took, they kept seeing dead possums lying on the shoulder. After several miles of this, the husband turned to his wife and said, "Now I think I know the answer to the age-old question 'Why did the chicken cross the road?'" "What is it?" she asked. "Well," he replied, "it was to prove to the possums that it could be done."

Knock-Knock. Who's there? Accordion. Accordion who? Accordion to the t.v., it's going to be cold out.

You should have no doubt in your mind that you are in a redneck family..... When your uncle drunkenly approaches you, slaps you on the back, grabs your face and murmurs "Heaeh kiiiiiiid, I think it's a good thing I used a condum. And walks off slowy, mumbling. "Cause your mamoo gets realy piiist when she's pregnant........" And in disbelief, you look around to find your mom.

Yo mama is so ugly, that they pushed her face into cookie dough to make gorilla cookies.

When everything's coming up roses, it's time to celebrate. But, when everything's coming up daisies, it's time to mourn.

Little Johnny's father says to him, "When you go back to your Mom's tonight, give her this envelope. Tell her that since you are now 18 this is the LAST check she'll ever see from me for child support. Then, stand back and watch the expression her face." "OK" replied Little Johnny. Later when Little Johnny got home he said to his mom, "Mom, Dad asked me to give you this envelope. He said to tell you that since I'm now 18 this is the LAST child support payment he'll ever have to make to you. Now I'm supposed to stand back and watch the expression on your face." "Next time you visit your father tell him that after 18 years I have decided to inform him that he's not your father. Then, stand

Little Johnny was running away from home, crying his eyes out, when he ran across a policeman. "Where are you going, Little Johnny?" asked the cop. "I'm running away from home," sobbed Little Johnny. The cop asked him, "Why would you want to do something like that?" "My mommy and daddy don't love me any more", he bawled. "What would make you think that?" queries the cop. "Well," says Little Johnny, "I asked my Mom for a brand new pair of roller skates, and she said that they couldn't afford it, the mortgage was too high." "That doesn't mean she doesn't love you," the cop says "No, no, no", says Little Johnny, "you don't understand. Then I asked my dad for a new bicycle and he said th

Two young met while studying in seminary, Matthew Anderson and Anthony Sicola. They become great friends, but also become very competitive between each other. They both graduate #1 and #2 in their class, with Anthony being #1 and Matthew being #2. They then both go to their new parishes, which instantly become hugely popular. For years the two of them rise through the ranks of the Catholic Church, becoming bishops, arch-bishops, and cardinals around the same time. Always though, Anthony is considered the slightly better of the two. Eventually, the reigning Pope passes away, and the College of Cardinals is convened to choose the next Pope. They debate for days until the list is down to just

How long does it take a blond to change a lightbulb? They never change it, by the time they've realized that it's broken, the world would of ended.

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?" She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce." "My goodness," he says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

The voluptuous blonde entered the dentist's office in an obvious state of agitation. She sat down in the chair and fidgeted nervously as the dentist prepared his utensils. "Oh, doctor," she exclaimed, as he prepared to look into her mouth. "I'm so afraid of dentists. Why, I think I'd rather have a baby than have a tooth drilled." "Well, miss," said the dentist impatiently, "better make up your mind before I adjust the chair."

The blonde teenage girl had long been infatuated with a popular local disc jockey and finally got to meet him when the station held an open house. When she seductively suggested they get better acquainted, he took her into a vacant studio and unzipped his pants. "I suppose you know what this is?" he whispered. "I sure do," she said, grasping it in her hand and putting it near her mouth, "I'd like to say hello to Ricky, Bobby, Tina and the whole gang down at Danny's Pizzeria."