Droughts happen because God didn't pay his water bill.

Change is inevitable... except from vending machines.

"Ahhhh..." "Mike! What's wrong?" "I-I had a nightmare." "What was the nightmare?" "I-I-" "Yes?" "I-I-" "Spit it out!" "I-I went to heaven."

You are a redneck if: you've shaved off your eyebrows and taped them to a little kid's back.

You are a redneck if: You've ever bought steel-toed boots, only to remove the steel to patch a hole in your trailer.

You are a redneck if: you've ever had a family feud over a litter of coondogs.

You are a redneck if: you use a handful of creek mud as birth control.

Do you know how old hags tell time? * ** *** **** ***** ****** ******* ******** ******* ****** ***** **** *** ** * ** *** **** ***** ****** ******* ******** ******* ****** ***** **** *** ** * ** *** **** ***** ****** ******* ******** ******* ****** ***** **** *** ** * ** *** **** ***** ****** ******* ******** ******* ****** ***** **** *** ** * A witch-watch!

The problem with keeping an open mind is that all my ideas tend to fall out.

You are a redneck if: you've ever held a lifelong grudge over a spelling bee.

(This is from my friend, Mitchell. It was very funny at first when we first heard him say it at lunch, and I figured I would share it.) Yo Momma's so fat, she ate a grenade and the explosion didn't even make it out!

You are a redneck if: you've ever gotten a headache reading the newspaper.