You are a redneck if: you've ever searched for gold in your grandpa's chest and had your fingers taken off by the booby trap within.

You are a redneck if: you won money of your dead grandpa by playing poker with him.

You are a redneck if: you've ever had to towel dry after a fart.

You are a redneck if: you have a glass eye collection.

You are a redneck if: Your pet groundhog has ever bitten more than one of your thumbs off.

You are a redneck if: one wall of your home is a tarp.

When I was a little boy, I was considered clever for my age. When you were a little boy, you must have eaten paint chips.

Q) How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies? A) 25! One to mix the batter and 24 to peel the m&m's.

I bought some powdered water but I don't know what to add to it.

I bought a dog the other day. I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.