Two guys are walking down a road when they come across a deep hole beside it. Being curious, they go over and check it out. When they look down, they are surprised to find they can't see the bottom. So they drop a couple of rocks down the hole and listen... Nothing. One of them says, "Man, that's a deep hole!" Thinking they might hear something larger hit the bottom, they find a big, old cinder block and pitch it over the side. They pause and listen intently... They hear a sound, but it is coming from behind them! They quickly turn around to see a goat bearing down on them with its head lowered, flying along, its feet barely touching the ground, its moving so fast! The two men dive out o

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too." The

One dark night in hell, the Devil, bent upon his ultimate revenge, determined to become a computer programmer. Secretly he pored over main pages, Microsoft press releases, and hex dumps of the renowned SATAN program, until, satisfied that he was master of the unclean craft, he began to work his mischief. Lounging near the back gate to heaven, he remarked to Jesus that there were some things the Devil could do better than God. Perl programming, for instance. The Savior, knowing something was afoot, but unwilling to let the slight go unchallenged, suggested a programming contest to last from sunrise to sunset, to see who could solve the halting problem in the fewest lines of Perl code, w

On a Septic Tank Truck sign: "We're #1 in the #2 business." ************************** Sign over a Gynaecologist?s Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." ************************** At a Proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit please back in." ************************** On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." ************************** At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout." ************************** On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?" ************************** On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." ************************** In a Non-smoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will a

A little girl and her mother were out and about when, out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?" The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older." The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?" Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up." The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now." The little girl, fr

A phone rings at KGB headquarters. "Hello?" "Hello, is this the KGB?" "Yes. What do you want?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his fire wood." "This will be noted." The next day, the KGB goons visit Rabinovitz's house. They search the shed where the fire wood is kept, break every piece of wood there, but find no diamonds. They swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and leave. The phone then rings at Rabinovitz's house. "Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?" "Yes." "Did they chop up your firewood?" "Yes, they did." "Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed."

A baby boy was just born. He had all his pieces and looked quite normal, except that he was laughing - I mean laughing real hard. All the doctors and nurses were examining the little guy in front of his worried parents. He just kept on laughing, his tiny fists all closed and tears rolling from his eyes. One at a time, a pediatrician unfolded his tiny fingers to check if his hand was all right, and guess what he found? Scroll down. * * * * * * * * * * * * The birth control pill.

A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman... almost." The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?" The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box." The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and starts to leave. The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over and says, "I saw that! You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The man replied, "Well, Father, I rubbed up against it, and

There was once a big ol' tough bear strolling through the forest looking for some silly hunter to maul, when he suddenly got the urge to pass the last hunter he had eaten. He stopped by the side of the path and proceeded to dump away. Well, as he was sitting there, a cute little bunny came bounding along merrily on his way and stopped right beside the bear and also took a dump. Well, the bear was finishing up and hadn't really said a word to the little bunny so popped a question, "Do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur, little bunny?" The bunny looked up and replied, "Why no, certainly not." Immediately the bear picked up the bunny and wiped his ass with him.

A man was mowing his front yard when his attractive, blonde, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened the mailbox, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house. A little later, she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and again slammed it shut. Angrily back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, the blonde came out again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" She replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!"

A guy responds to a job position at the city zoo. The ad mentioned the salary but not what he would be doing. He soon learns that the zoo's gorilla had unexpectedly passed away. The zoo had just spent millions on promotions that focused on the gorilla, and now they needed a gorilla. The guy really needed the job and the money was good so he accepted. Every day, he would put on the gorilla suit, hang out in his cage, and be the gorilla. After a while, he started enjoying himself. He would scare little kids, roar at the crowds, and eat bananas. As time wore on, he became the main attraction at the zoo. He would swing on his trees and vines, and the people loved him. One particularly busy S

What do you call a Canadian fire? A Calgary Flame.