Q. How do you keep a blond from whistling while she is skydiving? A. Make sure she wears underwear.

Roses are red Violets are blue God made me pretty What the heck happened to you?

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep. One who's handsome, smart and strong, And doesn't mind admitting when he's wrong, One who thinks before he speaks, When he promises to call, he won't wait two weeks. I pray that he is gainfully employed, And when I spend his cash he won't be annoyed & opens my door & begs to do more Oh, send me a man who will make love to my mind, knows just what to say when I ask, "How Big is My Behind!?!" One who will kiss me till my body's twitchin', In the hall, the shower, the garden and the kitchen. I pray this man will love me no end, and never attempts to date my best friend. And, as I kneel and pray by my bed ... I l

One day a boy said to his mom, "I'm a Picses, what are you?" The the mom answered, "Cancer." The boy then asked in a shocked state, "You killed Grandma?"

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed." "OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!" His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

Today in history class the topic was the Incas. Hoping to see if the students had done the reading, the teacher calls on random students and asks them questions. "Where could the Incas be found?" The teacher's first question. "Jonie?" foolishly she called on the blonde. Not having actually done the homework, and only halfway hearing the question, she guesses: "In the pen?"

A boy was going to church on Sunday. His mom gave him $40 so that he could put $20 in the offering plate and use $20 to buy anything on the way. On his way to the church he lost the $40, so he went back to look for it. He found $20, then looked up and said, "God, here is mine. Go and look for yours!"

Dave had obtained a new hunting dog and was raving about it to his colleagues at work endlessly. The dog could do this, the dog could do that, the dog was amazing, etc. Finally, after three weeks of listening to this, Dave's coworkers demanded to go on a hunt with Dave and his dog so they could see the dog in action for themselves. The following weekend, they all went duck hunting in the fields and after the sun rose, Dave turned the dog loose to hunt. The damn dog was gone for three hours and everyone, including Dave, was getting anxious about what had happened to the dog. Finally, the dog comes romping into camp with a stick in its mouth and immediately jumps on Dave's leg and started h

A lady was at the bar when a guy started hitting on her. She said "I'll send my pants to you from the dry cleaners, that way you can get into them on you own time."

Flea: (noun) a small, wingless, bloodsucking parasite (see also) a. Brother-in-law b. lawyer c. politician

Knock-Knock, Who's there? Alarm. Alarm who? Alarm the cops about all the partying I've been having!!

I-rish my beer was full...