Why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly?

Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it. "Two dogs, please," said one. The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?

Say this out loud: this is a cat is is a cat how is a cat to is a cat keep is a cat a is a cat dumbass is a cat busy is a cat for is a cat forty is a cat seconds is a cat * * * * * * * * * * * * * now read only the first word of each line!! THIS is a cat IS is a cat HOW is a cat TO is a cat KEEP is a cat A is a cat DUMBASS is a cat BUSY is a cat FOR is a cat FORTY is a cat SECONDS is a cat

A woman went in for a breast exam. The doctor said, "Have a seat. I have to numb your breasts first." The woman said, "Okay." So the doctor put his face between her breasts and said, "Numb, numb, numb, numb, numb."

Did you have cookie for lunch? 'Cuz your face is kinda krummy.

Why was Moses wandering through the desert for 40 years? Because blokes refuse to ask for directions.

The was a man named Jimmy who was on a job interview in another state that he didn't know very well. While he was driving he became very tired. Noticing there were no hotels in sight, he pulled over in the driveway and knocked on the door. A old man in his 60s greeted him. "Hi, Im sorry to disturb you, but I am very tired. May I sleep here just for tonight?" Jimmy asked. The old man cleared his thoat and said,"Well, I don't have any more rooms available, but you can sleep with my daughter if you don't disturb her." Jimmy nodded his head and agreed, and the old man showed him the room. "See you in the morning," said the old man. Jimmy stripped his clothes off and got into the bed. He fel

What is the medical term for a woman getting a sex change? An adadictomy (add-a-dick-to-me)

An Irish couple were having a dinner party and the wife, Patty, was very concerned that this dinner go off with out a hitch. She sent the husband, Phillip, off to get some escargot (snails) for an appetizer. She said to him "Don't stop at the local pub, I need you back here right away." So off he goes. After a while he doesn't come back and Patty is getting more and more nervous. About 5 hours later, after the dinner had ended, Phillip, obviously drunk, was just getting into the driveway of the house when he slipped and the snails went flying everywhere. Patty came out of the house and said to him, "Where have you been this whole time?" Thinking quickly Phillip bent down, looked at the s

Yo momma is so fat that she fell over and made the Grand Canyon!

The secret to enjoying a good wine is: 1 - Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. 2 - When it does not breathe, give it mouth-to-mouth

Mother decided that 7-year-old Cathy should get something 'practical' for her birthday. "Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested. Cathy was delighted. "It's your account, darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application." Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for 'Name of your former bank.' After a slight hesitation, she put down 'Piggy.'