A brother and sister are in a terrible car accident and the brother is badly injured. At the hospital the doctor tells the sister, "His brain is dead, but his pulse is still beating." The sister replies, "Oh no! We've never had a Democrat in the family before!"

Give blood. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Go skateboarding.

I can only be kind to one person a day. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Today is not your day.

When I walk the dogs, I take a handful of black plastic bags, since the local council requires us to 'clear up after our dogs' or face a stiff fine. This being the wild blackberry season, I use a spare (clean!) one to hold the blackberries I pick on the way. Coming off the hill, I passed an American visitor, who said something, looking at the bulging bag. "I'm taking them home for supper - they're delicious with cream," I said. She turned white. Some minutes later I worked out that she had said that the dog-waste bin was just round the corner. If I see her again, I must invite her to supper.

A blonde was at a department store for the first time and was very confused. The man beside her was getting irritated at the blonde because she kept asking him so many questions about the store. He said, "Please! Just stop asking me so many questions!" "Oh," the blonde replied. "Why?"

Kid 1: You did it again! Kid 2: What? What did I do? Kid 1: You know, that thing. Kid 2: What thing? Kid 1: That thing when your lips move and sound comes out.

I know this isn't a joke, but I really need help. I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision. I've suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been having an affair. The usual signs - phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently, although when I ask which girls, it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive, although I can hear a car setting off, as if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi? I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was, and she went beserk and screamed that I

You have the right to remain silent. Exercise it.

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floo

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "NO!" The guy lived happily ever after and went fishing and hunting. He played golf a lot, drank beer, and farted whenever he wanted.

A couple was about to celebrate 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful and wealthy, agreed to a Sunday dinner in honour of their parents. As usual, they were all late and had varied excuses. "Happy anniversary, Mom and Dad," gushed son number one. "Sorry, I'm running late... I just didn't have the time to get you a present." "No worry," said Dad. "The important thing is that we're all together." Son number two arrived and announced, "Just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you anything... I'm sorry." "It's nothing," said the father, "just glad you could be here today." The daughter arrived. "Happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but I've been out of town and d

Why should you never play poker in the jungle? -because there are too many cheatahs!!