1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. 2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen. 3. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom? 4. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after. 5. Do I look like a people person? 6. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 7. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. 8. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose. 9. Bottomless pit of needs & wants. 10. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes. 11. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat. 12. Does your train of thought have a caboose? 13. Let me show you how the guards used to do it. 14

The mood of a woman An angel of truth and a dream of fiction, A woman is a bundle of contradiction, She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse, But will tackle a stranger alone in the house. Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose, She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose, She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk, She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk, At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad, She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad. The moods of a man! Hungry! Horny! Sleepy!

Here's a stupid warning label: If you look at a fire extinguisher, it will say "Non-flamable"

If you fall down a bottomless pit... do you eventually die of starvation?

Why doesn't the glue inside the bottle dry?

Isn't it fascinating how feet smell and noses run?

If you think about it, a muffin is just a bald cupcake!

As far as we Americans know, Osama Bin Laden could, quite possibly, be right here in New York, posing as a cab driver, and we'd never know.

I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no fucking way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the hell can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why isn't notebook paper constantly suffocating students while they take notes in class? I'll tell you why: because paper can't beat anybody; a rock would tear that shit up in 2 seconds. When I play rock/paper/scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to beat me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, "Oh shit, I'm sorry. I thought paper woul

If you put a slinky on an escalator, would it go forever?

How did Hellen Keller's mother punish her??? rearranging her furniture.

Once there was a redneck groom about to get married. As he puts on the beaver pelt suit, he is talking to his dad. "Hey Uncle Jim, I'm kind of worried. My fiance told me she's still a virgin." "Why is that an issue?" the dad says. "Well, if she isn't good enough for her family, why would she be good enough for ours?"