I like to sleep, and stay in bed, all because you cracked a hammer on my head.

Did you know that if you fart in church you have to sit in your own pew?

I had a dream that I went to heaven. I was checking in at that gate with the last three presidents of the United States. I watched as George Sr., Bill Clinton, and George Jr. all walked through a bright door with an angel as an escort. I then gave Peter my name at the gate. He checked his book and said "I'm sorry you missed it by an inch, but there is a way to get into heaven if you walk around with an ugly girl for 100 years." I was confused and started complaining that this was not the way heaven was supposed to work. Peter took me to a window next to the bright door where I saw men and women walking around with ugly people as their penance. I became curious about the Presidents b

What did Spock find in the toilet? The captain's log.

Did you hear about the two peanuts who got mugged on their walk down the street? They were assaulted

Vincent Van Gogh had a really large family. Here's a listing of some of the lessor known ones... The grandfather who moved to Yugoslavia ........ U. Gogh The brother who bleached all his clothes white .. Hue Gogh The cousin who was a blues musician- Indi-Gogh The fruity brother- Man-Gogh The sister who wore a mini skirt to dance in bars ... Go Gogh The real obnoxious brother .......... Please Gogh The brother who ate prunes ............ Gotta Gogh The uncle who worked at a convenience store ....... Stop N Gogh His dizzy aunt ............. Verti Gogh The cousin that moved to Illinois ......... Chicah Gogh His magician uncle .............. Wherediddy Gogh The cousin who lived in Me

I'm a schizophrenic and so am I.

What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved

How do you tell a boy chromosome from a girl chromosome? Pull down their genes.

For Stupid: Hey, your house is calling, and they're missing their idiot. Where were you when God gave out brains? How many times have you crawled into the hole that said 'lowers your IQ'? Did you get dropped on your head when you were little and your mom said you were just 'special'? Did you like getting hit by the stupid stick? For Ugly: Did you perhaps get run over by a truck sometime in your life? Note: You can use stupid insults and change them to ugly insults by a word and vice versa.

Why did the white girl go have sex with a Mexican? Because her teacher told her to do an ESE.

Ms. Suzy had a steam boat, the steam boat had a bell! The steam boat went to heaven, Ms. Suzy went to... Hello operator, please give me number nine! And if you disconnect me, I'll chop off your... Behind the frigerator, there was a piece of glass! Ms. Suzy sat upon it, and broke her big fat... Ask me no more questions, tell me no more lies! The boys are in the bathroom, zipping up their... Flies are in the meadow, bees are in the park! Ms. Suzy's with her boyfriend, kissing in the d-a-r-k, d-a-r-k dark, dark, dark!