A man walks out of a bar and sees a bum panhandling on the corner. The bum says, "Mister, can you spare a dollar?" The man thinks about the question for a bit and asks the bum, "If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it to buy liquor?" "No", says the bum. The man then asks the bum, "If I give you a dollar are you going to use it to gamble?" "No", says the bum. So the man says to the bum, "Do you mind coming home with me so I can show my wife what happens to someone who doesn't drink or gamble?"

Q. What do me and a mirror have in common? A. When we see your face we both crack up!

Q: Why did the rooster cross the road? A: He heard the chicken was a slut. Q: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking? A: They already have boyfriends. Q: Why is it that an archaeologist is the best man to have as a husband? A: The older you get the more he is interested in you. Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A: A widow! Q: Why are blond jokes so short? A: So men can remember them. Man: I don't know why you wear a bra. You've got nothing to put in it. Woman: You wear a pants, don't you? Man: God, why did you make my girlfriend so beautiful and caring?" God: So you would love her. Man: But God, why did you make h

You're so dumb you stole free samples.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a wood tick? A wood tick falls off when you die.

Haven't I seen you on TV? Well yes I do appear off and on, how do you like me? Off.

Yo mama is so fat, she can sell shade.

Your mama is so fat, a giant mistook her for a bowling ball!

One bright day in the middle of the night, 2 dead boys got up to fight back to back they faced each other, drew their knives, and shot each other. a deaf policeman heard the noise, and came to kill those two dead boys. if you don't believe my stories true, ask the blind guy, he saw it to!

Man: "Do you think I'll lose my looks when I get older?" Friend: "With luck, yes."

Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

Yo mamma so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince. Yo mamma so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper. Yo mamma so old she ran track with dinosaurs. Yo mamma so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals. Yo mamma so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.