Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead saw her boyfriend buying flowers. Redhead sighed and said, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again." The blonde looked quizzically at her and said, "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?" The redhead said, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air." The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

Mr. Smith wanted to become a teacher in the worst way, but the only job he could find was as an instructor at an all female college teaching sex education. His wife was a very jealous woman so Mr. Smith decided he would tell his wife that he would be teaching sailing at this college so that she would not get angry. He was very happy and for months all was well. As fate would have it, one day in the grocery store check out lane, Mrs. Smith overheard a group of girls standing in line behind her talking about college and their instructor Mr. Smith. The girls went on and on about how great this Mr. Smith was at teaching their class. The cashier handed Mrs. Smith her change and said, "Have a grea

There's this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, "What do you think you're doing?" The drunk says, "I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I'm waiting on my house. Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor."

Q. Have you heard about the new 'Mint flavored birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex? A. They're called Predicaments

If someone says, "A penny for your thoughts,", and you give them your two cents worth, what happens to the other penny?

Fred had just came back from a hiking trip, when his friend, George, asked how it was. "It was great!" said Fred, except on my way home I accidentally awoke a lion....it started chasing me....at one time he was so close, that I could feel his breath on my neck, but then he slipped!! He caught up again, and I could smell his foul breath right behind me, but he slipped again! Then he was so close, his paw reached out, inches away from my shoulders. Yet he slipped, for the third time! That is when I spotted a car and got a ride back here!" "Wow!", says George, "If that happened to me I would Have wet my pants!!" Fred looks at him and says "What do you think the lion kept slipping on?"

Yo momma's breath is so stank the thermometer read, "I Quit!"

Yo Momma's so fat, she wears a microwave as a beeper.

Q. what is more diffucult than getting a pregnant elephant in your car? A. getting an elephant pregnant in your car

Q. Why are families like chocolate? A. They are mostly sweet, with a few nuts!

Dad: Courtney, do you want penne pasta for dinner? Courtney: No, but I'll have dime or quarter pasta.

Yo moma so fat, when she sat down, she sat next to Everyone!