About four or five years ago I was standing in a ticket line at LAX, and a fellow in a line parallel to mine had a golf bag slung over his shoulder. Since the line was long and airline ticketing is a slow process at best, we struck up a conversation. He brightened when I admired his golf bag, and he proudly stated that he was on the PGA Tour. Then he turned to me and asked the question all golfers ask: "Do you play?" I shook my head, "I used to, but I quit because I wasn't very good. I shot consistently in the low seventies." There was a long, low in-take of breath, then "The low seventies?" "Yes," I admitted. "Consistently?" he queried admiringly. "Every hole," I confessed.

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating... You

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful ... CAREFUL!! Put in some more butter!! Oh my Gosh!! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!! Turn them!! TURN THEM NOW!! We need more butter. Oh my Gosh!! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?! They're going to STICK!! Careful ... CAREFUL!! I said be CAREFUL!! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!! Turn them! HURRY UP!! Are you CRAZY? Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!" The wife stared at him. "What the &^%$&^% is wrong with you? You think I don't know ho

These two guys had both just gotten divorced, and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends, and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go, and never look at a woman again. They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year." The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it, with fur around the hole. The guys said "What's that board for?" The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this." They said "No way! We've sworn off women for life!" The trader said, "Well, ta

1. M.U.D.D.- Must use Drugs Daily 2. A.D.I.D.A.S.-All day I Dream About Sex 3. P.M.S.- Pretty Mean Stuff 4. F.B.I. Federal Beauro of Idiots 5. C.I.A.-Clueless Idiots Agency 6. N.C.I.S.-Neurologically Challenged Imbocil Society 7. P.h.D. Pretty Happy Dyke 8. U.C.L.A. Unidentified Cunt Lickers Anonymous 9. A.R.A. Agency- Anti Redundancy Agency 10. N.R.A.- Never Redundant Agency

One day a father and his daughter were driving down the street when the father said, "Look! A bunny. Can you say bunny, bu-nny?" "Bunny!" the daughter replied. They suddenly felt the car go over a bump. Then the girl said, " Daddy, its not a bunny anymore." "What is it then?" he asked. The daughter replied, "Can you say roadkill, road-kill?"

A blonde went to her regular plastic surgion one day. When she walked in, he said to her, "What more can I do for you? I have changed your every part of your body that you could think of! I even did your ears!" She replied, "Well, this is kind of embarrasing for me say out loud." The plastic surgion, curious to know what the blonde wanted done, asked, "What is it? You can trust me. She answered shyly. "This morning, while I was looking in the mirror, I noticed that my butt had a huge crack down the middle and i was wondering if you could get me a new one that isn't broken."

A blonde went to the eye doctor one day. She complained to the doctor that she couldn't see and was having a hard time driving because of this. He then told her that she would need glasses. The blond knowing that the glasses would cost a couple of hundred dollars decided to save her money because she remembered she had some at home. She then told the doctor that she had a pair. He said, "OK, wear them all the time." The blonde left and went home. She called the doctor and told him she couldn't see so he scheduled an appointment and told her to bring her glasses so he could see them. The next day the blond came in holding up two drinking glasses to her eyes and told the doctor "I had a hard t

A policeman was on duty when he got a complaint, so he went to go check it out. The complaint was that a sport car had not moved from a corner and was holding up traffic. When he got there, he went to the car and asked the blonde lady in it why she was holding up traffic and not going. She responded well the sign told me to stop but it doesn't want to let me go.

What' did the bra say to the hat? You go on ahead, I'll give these two a lift.

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a male farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. Of course the farmer is a blond. :) He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Er... excuse me mister, but what are you doing?" The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize." "How?" asks the man, puzzled. "Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field!"

Yo momma so stupid, she looked in the Cd player for her cassette tape!