Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says 'Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He's dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card." What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. "Saul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD

Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here's that $20 I owe you," he says.

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they'll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don't forget the coffee!"

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that ?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust. "Tennis ball," came the breathless reply. "Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once."

1. Blow out a huge depressed fart and blame it on the person next to you out loud. 2. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator. 3. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. 4. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. 5. Meow occasionally. 6. Show other passengers a rash on your genitals and ask if it looks infected. 7. Leave a box between the doors. 8. Sell Girl Scout cookies. 9. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask 'is that your beeper?' 10. Say 'I wonder what all these do' and push the red buttons.

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

1. The Magical World Inside The Abandoned Refrigerator 2. Where to Find the Toys in the Oven 3. 101 Games to Play in the Road 4. Homemade Fireworks using a Bathtub, a Blowdryer, and a Fork 5. Your Nightmares are Real 6. Monsters Killed Grandpa 7. All Guns Squirt Water 8. How Fun it is to Tie a Squirrel to a Kite 9. If it's Storming out, the Best Place to Take Shelter is under a Tree 10. Dad's New Wife Robert

How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? What happens if you get scared halfway to death twice? If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2? If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? If you write a book about failure, and it doesn't sell, is it a success? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? If Superman is so smart, why does he wear underpants over his trousers? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Why is it that if someone tells you there are 1 billion stars in the universe, you will believe them, but if someone tells you a wall has wet paint yo

It was early morning at the military base, and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper: "Ames" "Here!" "Jenson" "Here!" "Jones" "Here!" "Magersky" "Here!" "Seeback" No answer. "Seeback!" No answer was heard again. "SEEBACK!!!" The troops remained totally silent. At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.

10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He just didn't belong." 9) Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern. 8) Draw a tiny black line on your nose. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, "The hair, it's growing. Growing!" 7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon...." 6) Collect hundreds of

A fellow in a bar noticed a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move. "No, thank you." she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love." "That must be rather difficult," the man replied. "Oh, I don't mind too much," she said, "but it has my husband pretty upset."