Actual bumper sticker on a jeep (the writing was upside down). "If you can read this, flip me over!"

What has wheels and flies? Answer: Garbage truck

You don't have to go faster than the bear, you just have to go faster than the slowest guy running from the bear.

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet. Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face. Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect. Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; Beer unusually pale and clear. Fault: Glass is empty. Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint. Symptom: Feet cold and wet. Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle. Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling. Symptom: Feet warm and wet. Fault: Loss of self-control. Solution: Go and stand beside ne

If Wile Coyote had enough money for all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? If there's an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule? Why do we leave expensive cars in the driveway, when we keep worthless junk in the garage? Why do they call it taking a dump? Shouldn't it be leaving a dump? Why is it good to be a Daddy's girl, but bad to be a Momma's boy? Aren't you tired of people asking you rhetorical questions and you don't know if they are rhetorical questions or not? If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose? Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the w

The following diet has been circulated at one of the local clinics. Some may find it stimulating. BREAKFAST: --------- 1/2 grapefruit 1 slice whole wheat toast 8 oz skim milk LUNCH: ------ 4 oz lean Broiled chicken breast 1 cup steamed zucchini 1 Oreo Cookie Herb tea MID-AFTERNOON SNACK: ------- Rest of package of Oreos 1 qt. rocky road ice cream 1 jar hot fudge DINNER: ------- 2 loaves garlic bread Large pepperoni & mushroom pizza Large pitcher beer (any brand - it all comes from the same horse, anyway) 3 Milky Way bars Entire Sara Lee cheesecake - direct from freezer. DIET TIPS If no one sees you eat it --- it has no calories. If you drink a

Q. What are the strongest days of the week? A. Saturday and Sunday, because all the rest are week days.

Yo Momma is so poor, I saw her walking down the street with one shoe, and I said, "Hey, you lost a shoe." And she said, "No, I found one."

Yo Momma is so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put "Okay!"

A man was walking in a rich neighborhood when he saw a lost dog ad. Part of the bottom line of the ad was torn by the weather, so all the man could see of the ad was LOST DOG IF FOUND CALL 555-5555 REWARD: ALL OF MY FAMILY'S (blank blank blank) Being as this was a rich neighborhood, the man assumed that the blank in the ad represented money. He was very excited at the thought of owning all of a rich family's money, so he very desperately searched for the dog. After one week of desperate searching, the man found the missing dog and immidiately returned it to the family. A woman came to the door and excitedly said, "Thank goodness someone fou

The Goriest, Scariest, Yuckiest Top 12 Things You Really Don't Want To See Written In Blood... 12) "Richard Hillman did it and------" 11) "Can you guess where your friends are?" 10) Your name signed on a Microsoft License Agreement 9) "Remember that kid you picked on during Junior Cert year..." 8) Your name on the bottom of a contract from Fianna Fail. (Irish government party) 7) "See! I can spell! Yor next" 6) "Luke, I am your father." 5) "Where the feck are the Elastoplasts?" 4) Your overdue Visa bill 3) "Does anyone have a spare Tampax?" 2) "Did yez ever wonder what happened to the blood you donated?" 1) "Dude you're gettin' a Dell!"

DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT