Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire and go out onto the balcony. "Help, help!" yelled one of the blondes. "Help us, help us!" yelled the other. "Maybe it would help if we yelled together," said the first blonde. "Good idea," said the other. "Together, together!" they yelled.

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her...or something like that.

What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back. What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell! She's got a grenade in her mouth!

There's a blonde and a brunette working for a painting company. They need to paint the yellow lines on a road by hand for the city since the trucks are broken. The first day the blonde paints 5.4 miles of road, the brunette paints 6 miles of road. The second day the blonde paints 4.1 miles of road, the brunette paints 6.7 miles of road. The third day the blonde paints 2.9 miles of road, the brunette paints 6.9 miles of road. Worried about the blonde, the supervisor goes to the blonde and asks why she is painting less and less road each day. She replies, "The bucket just keeps getting further and further away."

A blonde wanted to sell her car but failed many times. Even though the car looked pratically new it had over 400 000 miles on it. So she goes to a bar and theres a brunette sitting a few barstools away and she's wearing mechanic's overalls. They start talking and the blonde tells the brunette her problems. The brunette feels sorry for her. The brunette says, "Well I'm a mechanic. I can help you sell your car but it's not legal." The blonde says she'll do whatever it takes. The brunette says, "Well I can change your odometer back to 40 000 miles and it'll be easier to sell." The blonde agrees and gives the brunette her keys. So the brunette takes the car back to her garage and sets back the c

On her birthday, a blonde was given a fishing rod. She decides to use the gift on the weekend and have a good time, so she goes and buys fishing gear and sets out. She goes to what she thinks is a nice fishing spot and drills a hole, then puts her rod in. She hears a man say, "There is no fish in there." So she goes someplace else and drills and puts her rod in. Then hears a man say in an irritated tone, "There is no fish in there." So she repeats the process a third time and again hears the man tell her, "There is no fish in there." Angry, the blonde gets up and faces the man and says, "How do you know there is no fish in there?" The man replies, "This is an ice hockey rink."

People say you are the perfect idiot. I say you are not perfect, but you are doing pretty good.

A pirate walks into a bar and has a seat. The bartender notices the pirates peg-leg, eyepatch and hook for a hand. The bartender and the pirate start talking and the bartender casually slips in the question of how the pirate lost his leg. The pirate says, "I fell overboard and a shark bit my leg off." They talk more and the bartender asks how the pirate got the hook. The pirate says, "We were boarded by enemy pirates and they cut off my hand before running away. They talk some more and the bartender finally asks how the pirate got his eyepatch. The pirate said, "A seagull crapped in my eye." The bartender says, "Wow! You lost your eye to seagull poo in your eye?" The pirate says, "Well no...

A man walks into a bar and has a few drinks. The bartender gives him the bill but the man has left his wallet at home. So the man tells the bartender he paid already. The bartender says, "If you say you paid I believe you." The man leaves and sees a co-worker on the other side of the bar. He tells the co-worker the bartender can't keep track of who paid and who hasn't. The co-worker drinks some more and gets the bill. The co-worker says, "But I've paid already." The bartender says, "Well I guess you could of. I believe you." The co-worker leaves and sees an old friend of his on the street. The co-worker tells the friend about the nice little scam in the bar. The friend goes in the bar and dr

A man walks into a bar and has a lot of drinks. He gets completely wasted. He mentions to the bartender that he has his girlfriend sitting in his new corvette outside so she can drive him home. While the bartender went outside to throw out the garbage he notices a corvette with a man and a woman making out in it. He goes back into the bar and tells the man to go check on his girl. The man leaves and comes back laughing and staggering a few minutes later. Confused the bartender asks what is so funny. The man replies, "My friend Bobby is so wasted he thinks he's me!"

Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake. One blonde yells to the other, "How do you get to the other side?" "You are on the other side," the other blonde yells back.

Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left." So they went home.