Knock-Knock Who's there? A little old lady. A little old lady who? I didn't know you could yodel!

A Unitarian Universalist walks into a fabric store and asks the clerk for nine yards of material. The clerk asks, "What are you going to make?" The UU says, "I'm making a nightgown for myself as a present for my husband." The clerk says, "But nine yards is way too much material for a nightgown." The UU says, "I know, but my husband would rather seek than find."

Dogs have masters, cats have staff.

Please note that Banks are installing new "Drive-through" teller machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable customers to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up. MALE PROCEDURE ----------------------- 1. Drive up to the cash machine. 2. Put down your car window. 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN. 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt. 6. Put window up. 7. Drive off. FEMALE PROCEDURE ------------------------- 1. Drive up to cash machine. 2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine. 3. Set parking brake, put the window down. 4. Find

I did not kill my lovely wife, I did not slash her with a knife. I did not bonk her on the head, I did not know that she was dead. I stayed at home that fateful night, I took a cab, then took a flight. The bag I had was just for me. My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be. When I came home I had a gash, My hand was cut from broken glass, I cut my hand on broken glass, A broken glass did cause that gash. I have nothing, nothing to hide. My friend, he took me for a ride; Did you take this person's life? Did you do it with a knife? I did not do it with a knife, I did not, could not kill my wife. I did not do this awful crime, I could not, would not any time. Did you hit her from above? Did you drop th

Yo Mama So Ugly... she put the Boogie man outta business. she make Michael Jackson look like Brad Pitt when she wobbles down the street in September, folk say, "Damn it, can't believe it's Halloween already..." when she applied for the ugly contest they told her 'NO Professionals' she looked out her window and was arrested for indecent exposure! minutes after she was born her Mother shouted 'What a treasure!" and her Poppa said, "Yes, now let's go and bury her..." they push her face into the dough mixture when making Monster cookies. when they took her to the Beautician it took 10 hours....and that was just for the quote! your Daddy takes her to work each day so he doesn't have to k

How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this... YOW! You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me... Drawling granny voice: Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay de

A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true. "I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed. The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days in jail."

The Laws Of Golf LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime. LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former. LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, th

The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision: 1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats. 2. The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats. 3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats won't do.

BROWN: Hey kids! Is half of your head shaved? Do you have a nose ring? Are you terribly progressive and do you have a lot of empathy? Are you sick and tired of silly things like grades and majors? COME TO BROWN! COLUMBIA: Hey kids! Do you like Harlem? Do you like commuters? Are you planning on transferring to another Ivy school after your freshman year? COME TO COLUMBIA! HARVARD: Hey kids! Do you hate teachers? I mean really hate them? Do you never want to have another teacher again? And what about a social life? Do you hate that too? COME TO HARVARD! PRINCETON: Hey kids! Do you have any idea what an eating club is? Are you pompous? Can you learn to be? Are you the smartest person you kno

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change. Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust. Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couple of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile. The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity. "What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank., "You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze." Matt replies, "And we weren't?"