What's the difference between a prostitute, your mistress and your wife? The prostitute says, "Are you done yet?" Your mistress says, "You're not done yet!" And your wife says, "Beige, I think we ought to paint the ceiling beige."

Indian chief addressing the tribe says: "I've got good news an bad news. The bad news is 5000 college students just moved next door to the reservation ... good news is, they taste like buffalo."

What's the difference between a "fox" and a "dog?" About 6 drinks.

Did you know in 1923, the following men were considered some of the world's most successful men . . . at least they found the secret of making money. Whereas, in 1987, more than 60 yrs. later, do you know what became of these men? The president of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper. The president of the largest gas company, Howard Hopson, went insane. The president of the New York Stock Exchange, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad insolvent. The president of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself and the greatest bear on Wall Street, Casabee Rivermore, died by suicide. The sam

Liberals want to solve the marijuana problem by making it legal. Conservatives want to solve the wife-beating problem by making it legal. Liberals want to strike down all abortion laws, so that unwanted babies can be killed off before they're born. Conservatives want to strike down the welfare laws, so that unwanted babies can be starved to death after they're born. The conservative would prevent rape by locking up his wife and daughters. The liberal would prevent rape by legalizing prostitution. Neither considers locking up rapists, because the liberal says it's society's fault and the conservative says it costs too much money.

It's impossible to be a participant in the march of time and not get a few blisters.

There was a girl named Rachel. She had a cat named Love. One day, Rachel was taking a shower. When she got out, she yelled for her cat, Love, but saw that the cat had escaped. She was still in her towel but she walked outside anyways. A cop pulled around the corner and said, "Excuse me, Miss. What are you doing out here?" Rachel replied, "Looking for Love!!!"

Nobody can breathe out of their nose and mouth at the same time. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * You know, 95% of the people who read this try to do it...well, it's impossible!!! DUH!!!! (lol)

Two brunettes and a blonde are attempting to fix a roof. While they are on the roof, a herd of cattle run by and knock down the ladder and leave a big pile of poop behind. The two brunettes decide to make the blonde check how deep the poop is so they can jump down. So the blonde jumps down and yells, "It's only ankle deep." So the two brunettes jump down and scream, "What are you talking about?! It's up to our heads!" And the blonde replies, "Well, I jumped in head first."

*Types Password* -Penis ~We're sorry, the password you have entered isn't long enough.

yo momma's so fat that when she stepped on an air-plane she got arrested for 800 pounds of crack.

You are stuck in a foxhole with a cobra, Saddam Hussein, a lawyer, and only two bullets in your gun. What do you do? Shoot the lawyer twice.