I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, "Whoa, I'm way too high!" - Bruce Baum Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. - Sue Murphy When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family? - Robin Williams The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. - Jeff Foxworthy I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget. - Michael McShane What happens

If it weren't for electricity, we'd all be watching television by candlelight. - George Gobel

Yo Momma so dumb, she was killed in a pie eating contest when the cow sat on her!

A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." The dog replied, "But that would make no sense at all."

Q: What do you have when there are 100 rabbits standing in a row and they all start hopping backwards? A: Receding hare line.

Reporters asked Dan Quayle what he thought of Roe v. Wade? His response: "Two alternate ways to cross the Potomac."

What does the "O" and the "N" stand for in 'CLEMSON'? The "O" is for honor, and the "N" for knowledge.

Ever hear about the Polish athlete who won a gold medal? He had it bronzed.

A 6 year old was in a car with her parents. She kept having sneezing fits, and she kept splattering snot all over the seats. Eventually, the Mum and Dad gave up on trying to stop the sneezing, and told the little girl to put her hands up when she sneezed. The little girl did so, raising her hands above her head, and sneezed on the Mum's face!!

Texan: "Where are you from?" Harvard graduate: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions." Texan: "OK, where are you from, Jackass?"

Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!" The other says, "Go home dad you're drunk."

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk. 9. Our love will never become cold and hollow Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow. 8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore. 7. This feels so good, it feels so right I just wish it wasn't $250 a night. 6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass. 5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!! 4. Through all the things that came to pass Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass. 3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie I just wished