There was once a beautiful woman named Rebecca who lived with 3 men: an author, an artist, and a blind man.They each visited her once a day. One day Rebecca was taking a shower when she heard a knock at the door, so she put on a towel and answered the door. It turned out to be the artist. He said, "Congratulate me, congratulate me! I have just finished a masterpiece." Rebecca congratulated him, then closed the door. Right when Rebecca was getting back in the shower, she heard another knock so she put her towel back on and it was the author. He said, "Congratulate me, congratulate me! I have just finished a new best-seller." Rebecca congratulated him, then closed the door. Rebecca got ba

1. You yell and scream for help, and when it comes you ask for the remote. 2. It is a workout to play high intensity video games. 3. You decide to be a republican because you bought a truck with a republican sticker on it. 4. You sell your step-brother's stuff on e-bay for video game money. 5. You've hired someone to laugh at these jokes for you. 6. You shop online even though it's more expensive because you don't want to leave your house. 7. You died of a preventable illness because going to the doctor would take actual work. 8. You've hired someone to sleep with your wife because it's to "hard". 9. You have the sofa in the back of the Guiness 2000 book. 10. You, your wife, and kids all liv

(Linux is a server far superior to windows. It's logo is Tux the digital penguin.) 1. Your favorite movie was Kill Bill. 2. Your favorite animal is a penguin. 3. You think micro and soft describe Bill Gates. 4. You would like to "server" Gates head. 5. Your desktop picture is of tux burning the windows flag. 6. Your motto is "W1ND0W$ 1$ 7H3 root 0F @LL 3V1L" 7. You can read the above statment. 8. You think XBOX was Microsoft's first success. 9. You would rather have a computer from Hasbro than Microsoft. 10. Your computer can play solitaire. For you Windows users #6 means "Windows is the root of all evil".

Your momma so white and ugly Michael Jackson took one glance and thought he was looking into a mirror!

What was the witches favorite subject in school? SPELLing

Knock-Knock Who's there? Apricot. Apricot who? Apricot my key, open up!

Q: Why are cats similar to sentences? A: A cat has claws at the end of its paws; a sentence has pause at the end of its clause.

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? If London Bridge is standing why is there a song about it falling down? If the weather man says "it's a 50% chance of rain" does that mean he has no idea if its going to rain or not? Can't anybody who has a job go in the "employees only" doors at restaurants? Shouldn't they be more specific and say "employees of THIS place only"? Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway, aren't they? Did you know there is a page 666 in The Bible? If you could walk through the walls, wouldn't you fall through the floor? What does the T in T-Shirt really mean? Do bir

Here are some fun things to do in a public library if you get bored there... 1. Read out loud. Very loud. And slowly. 2. While pointing to a very simple word, like 'the', ask the person next to you if he/she can pronounce it for you. 3. While looking at your book, turn so you're facing the person. Then, peer over the top of your book, and say "PEEKABOO!!" 4. Put down your book, and look over and start reading the other persons book, and either 1) say, "Ooo, nice book," or 2) when he/she looks at you, quickly pick up your book and act like you're reading it. 5. Suddenly look over at him/her, and say, "You're one of THEM!" 6. Put down your book, and look at him/her. When they says someth

Some fun things to do the next time you're on one of those long international flights to kill time... Pinch the stewardess' butt as she passes. When two people kiss in the in flight movie, belch real loud. When there's any nudity, hoot really loudly for a few minutes. Fart loudly and act shocked, looking around to see who did it. Fiddle around with the emergency exit, then ask a fellow passenger if he has a crowbar. Hijack the cockpit and, over the loudspeaker, announce that the first class passengers and luggage are to switch places. Run down the aisle screaming, "He's got a bomb! He's got a bomb!" Go into the bathroom and make rude bodily noises, then come out looking refreshed. "

"An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something you can think of, but you can't touch it. Can you give me an example of one?" "Sure," a teenage boy replied. "My father's new car."

Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to an interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?" "22," Rick replied. After he left, he double-checked the problem on his calculator (he KNEW he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job. About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious. The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."