Enter MEXICO illegally. Never mind immigration quotas, visas, international law, or any of that nonsense. Once there, demand that the local government provide free medical carefor you and your entire family. Try driving around as a Gringo in Mexico with no liability insurance,and have an accident. Demand bilingual nurses and doctors. Demand free bilingual local government forms, bulletins, etc. Procreate abundantly. Deflect any criticism of this allegedly irresponsible reproductive behavior with, "It is a cultural UnitedStates thing. You would not understand, pal." Demand classes on American c

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped and hungry. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and realizes that they forgot to bring a bottle opener. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back. Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' grave

The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he said he didn't want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day. Finally, when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold. "No," the inmate said, "just get it over with." "Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the guard. "You didn't even want a special last meal!" The inmate thought. "Actually,

A family was having some people to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Dear, would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," replied the little girl, shyly. "Just say what you hear Mommy say, sweetie," the woman said. Her daughter took a deep breath, bowed her head, and solemnly said, "Dear Lord, why the heck did I invite all these people to dinner!?!"

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marajiuana, Jack got high and unzipped his fly and Jill said I don't wanna.

Recently a family court judge was interviewing a 15 yr. old boy, asking him which parent he wanted to live with, his mother or father? The kid said he didn't want to live with either one -- that both of them beat him all the time. The kid said he wanted to live with the Dallas Cowboys -- they never beat anybody!

One drunk to another: "Have you ever been so drunk you'd kiss a woman's stomach?" Second drunk: "I've been drunker than that!"

A black female is having trouble with her menses. She goes to the gynecologist and he asks: "Mrs. Williams, what kind of flow do you have?" "Linoleum" she replies.

What's the difference between a prostitute, your mistress and your wife? The prostitute says, "Are you done yet?" Your mistress says, "You're not done yet!" And your wife says, "Beige, I think we ought to paint the ceiling beige."

Indian chief addressing the tribe says: "I've got good news an bad news. The bad news is 5000 college students just moved next door to the reservation ... good news is, they taste like buffalo."

What's the difference between a "fox" and a "dog?" About 6 drinks.

Did you know in 1923, the following men were considered some of the world's most successful men . . . at least they found the secret of making money. Whereas, in 1987, more than 60 yrs. later, do you know what became of these men? The president of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper. The president of the largest gas company, Howard Hopson, went insane. The president of the New York Stock Exchange, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad insolvent. The president of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself and the greatest bear on Wall Street, Casabee Rivermore, died by suicide. The sam