Top Jokes
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He says, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Las Vegas. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free!"
Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm going to Vegas too. I want to see you live on $800 a year!"
A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, he called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, "I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died."
The man was very upset and yelled, "You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away."
The brother thought about it and apologized.
"So how's Mom?" asked the ma
OK, let's consider the physical evidence.
The moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the Earth every year.
Do the math and you will clearly see that 85 million years ago it was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs; the tallest ones, anyway
There where two snakes talking.
The 1st one said, "Sidney, are we the type of snake who wrap ourselves around our prey and squeeze and crush until they're dead? Or are we the type of snake who ambush our prey and bite them and they are poisioned?"
The second snake says, "Why do you ask?"
The 1st one replies: "I just bit my lip!"
Did you ever have to fart, on a bus, or an airplane, or in some public place, but hadn't been farting all that day? So you didn't really know the nature of the beast, you only knew there was LOTS of it!
In a situation like that, what you have to do is to release a test fart. You have to arrange to release, quietly, and in a careful, controlled manner, about 10 to 15 percent of the total fart in order to determine if those around you can handle it!
Or if in fact you may be about to precipitate a public health emergency!
When releasing a test fart, it is often good to engage in an act of refuge such as reaching for a magazine. "Sayyy, is that Golf Digest?" *FART!*
You think, "Ah, that was
A man had parked his car in the supermarket parking lot and was walking past an empty cart, when he heard a female voice say, "Mister, are you using that cart?" "No," he answered..."I'm only after one thing." As he walked away he heard her murmur, "Typical male."
Emerging from the chiropractor's treatment room, a young man said aloud, "I feel like a new man!"
"I do, too," a middle-aged woman responded, "but I'll probably go home with the same old one."
Two guys were at the gym. Bob asked Ben, "How did the date go with my sister?" Bob replied, "I didn't know your sister was famous. When I took her to the opera, and when it was over no one would leave until she stood up and sang."
A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared,
"Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!"
Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows,
"Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like he'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then
Home
