Beware of the following new computer viruses ===================================================== ADAM AND EVE VIRUS - Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple. AIRBAG VIRUS - Can only cause harm if you are a petite computer operator who sits too close to the screen. Provides a handy ON-OFF switch in most current release. AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS - You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore. AL GORE VIRUS - Claims that it is the Internet. Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting. ALZHEIMER'S VIRUS - It makes your computer forget where it put your files. APPLE VIRUS - Virus-8, originally planned as a revolutionary redesign of aging but classic virus software, ha

Q: How many IBM engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They merely change the standard to darkness and upgrade the customers.

A woman was singing. One of the guests turned to a man by his side and criticized the singer. "What a terrible voice!" he said. "Do you know who she is?" "Yes," was the answer. "She is my wife." "Oh, I beg your pardon." The man said, "Of course her voice is not bad, but the song is very bad. I wonder who wrote that awful song." "I did." was the answer.

I studied and studied and came up with a conclusion 1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL. 2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING. 3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL. 4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL. 5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS. 6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF. AMAZING CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

Why did the book have to go to the hospital? Because it injured its spine.

One afternoon a blonde walked into a small store. The store was having a special on CD players. She walked up to a CD player, then picked it up, and proceeded to the front counter, where she asked two employees what the price was. The two men looked at each other, and one of them said to the other in an audible whisper, "Don't worry, she's a stupid and dumb blonde. Let's raise the price!" The blonde COULD hear this, but said nothing. The other man nodded to his fellow employee, and said, "Okay, ma'am, the price is $75.00." Amazingly, the blonde agreed, and paid the money, then got her CD player. ***************************************** A couple hours later, the blonde comes in again. Th

Eminem/ M & M: I don't like the rapper, but I like the candy inside the wrapper.

1. You know you're a redneck when you go out with your girlfriend and you don't realize she has her other boyfriend with her. 2. You know you're a redneck when you use a barstool as a walker. 3. You know you're a redneck when your mowing your lawn and you find a car. 4. You know you're a redneck when you fall asleep with one hand down your pants and a beer in the other hand.

This little boy asked his mother one day why his father had no hair. His mother replied, "Well dear, that's because he thinks alot." Having prided herself with coming up with such a wonderful answer she heard her son say, "Gee mommy I'm sure glad you don't think 'cause you'd look funny with no hair!"

You know you're a redneck when your brand new tv is sitting on your old ones.

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails, looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared, and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want." The cowboy decided to take a chance; he knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like

Cards That You Won't Find At Hallmark - "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?" "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife." "How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?" "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind." "I must admit, you brought religion into my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you." "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me." "As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy. . ." "Thanks for being a part o