A man was searching the dictionary for the word 'Dictionary'. He found this meaning: Dictionary is the thing you are holding, Stupid. Wondering what the definition of stupid was, he searched for the word stupid, he found: Is that you again?

It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing. A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed. It is unlawful for a person to consume an alcoholic beverage while operating a motor vehicle upon a public roadway, if the person is observed doing so by a peace officer. The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home. When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone. It is illegal to d

1. I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. 2. A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost information, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?" 3. I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response was "click." 4

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandw

A city slicker decided to buy himself a pig, so he drove to the country until he saw a sign that said "PIGS FOR SALE". Turning into the driveway, he spotted the farmer, told him what he wanted, and they agreed on a price. They went to the barn where the farmer picked up a pig by the tail with his teeth. "Yup, that there swine weighs 74 pounds." Noticing the man's bewilderment, the farmer explained that it was a family trait, passed on through generations, to be able to precisely weigh pigs in that manner. The city slicker, however, insisted on a second opinion. So the farmer called his son over and the boy came up with the same result. The man was ready to buy the pig on the spot, but t

--That comment about Elton being "twice the woman" she ever was. --Caught Eminem fantasizing about killing other women. --Sick of hiding her love for the Insane Clown Posse. --Sure, he talks and raps like a black man, but when he takes down his pants... --Would rather end up like Nicole Kidman than Nicole SIMPSON. --Overheard 5-year-old daughter shouting, "Faggot!" while watching "Mr. Rogers". --Recently overtaken by a strange and unfamiliar compulsion to live past the age of 35. --I mean come on, people. . . the dude LOST TO STEELY DAN!!! --Thanks to a recent surgery, her head's no longer implanted deep within her own rectum. ...And The Top Reason Eminem's Wife Filed For D

An older man, Mr.Brown, in his hospital room knew that he was nearing his death, so he called in the three people that he trusted the most - his doctor, his pastor, and his lawyer. They were all waiting sadly outside of his room, when he called in his doctor. The doctor walked in slowly expecting to have to reassure the diagnosis. To his surprise, his patient handed him $30,000 in cash. Mr. Brown simply said, "When I die, put this in my coffin." The doctor walked walked out confused and told the pastor that Mr. Brown was ready for him. Now the pastor walked in expecting for Mr. Brown to confess every sin he ever committed in hopes of ending it right. To his surprise, the old man han

Little Johnny was playing with his father's wallet when he accidently swallowed a quarter. He went crying to his mom, choking on the quarter. They took him to a doctor, who said that the quarter was impossible to remove without surgery, they consulted a specialist who was of the same opinion. Then came a man who said he could get the money out in a jiffy. He turned little Johnny upside down and patted him with great precision on the back of neck and, sure enough, the quarter rolled out. Everyone was amazed, the father said "You must be an expert!" The man replied, "No sir I'm just a tax collector."

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students, one by one - "John, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" "Just a minute, I have to go piss." The teacher replied "That would be rude and impolite!" "What about you, Michael, how would you say it?" "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back." The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table." "And you, Billy, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?" "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment

You Know You're Addicted to Harry Potter When... 1.) You make a wand and try to use it. 2.) You call your least favorite teacher Snape. 3.) You call your favorite teacher Dumbledore. 4.) You wear robes to school or work. 5.) You make "floo powder", get in the fire, and try to go to your friends' house. 6.) You have read all the books more than four times. 7.) You've been bookstore at midnight to get the latest Harry Potter book before all your friends. 8.) You've worn a Harry Potter costume in public. 9.) You have a crush on one of the Harry Potter characters. 10.) You've gotten at least one of your friends addicted to Harry Potter. 11.) You actually caught the "Wand Order" mista

Little Johnny was doing his homework, and it was some sort of code where you had to fill in which letter is which, i.e. the letter a = 1, b = 2, d = 4, etc. He got to one that he didn't know which number it was, and he decided to ask his father, who was sitting on the couch next to him. Little Johnny said, "Hey dad, can you tell me what the 25th letter of the alphabet is?" The dad answered, "Y." Little Johnny said, "Because I wanna know. Gosh, do you know it or not?" The dad said, "Y, son!" Little Johnny said, "Because I wanna know, and if you want to deny it again, then you are more of a *&^%ing *&^%$ than a ^&*# on a %$#@! The dad took this hard, and said meekly, "It's t

Young Justin has a cursing problem, and his father's getting tired of it. He decides to ask a shrink what to do. The shrink says, "Negative reinforcement. Since Christmas is coming up, ask Justin what he wants from Santa. If he curses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of each gift he requests." Two days before Christmas, Justin's father asks him what he wants for Christmas. "I want a damn teddy bear lying beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs, I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside, I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage." On Christmas morning, Justin wakes up and rolls into a pile of do