One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa." The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked. The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma." The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack. Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And

There once was a set of twin alligators that grew up in the same bayou. One, however, was much larger and stronger than the other. One day the twins were sitting there talking, and trying to figure out why one was so much bigger - since they were the same age, had the same genes, and grew up in the same place. The bigger alligator asked his smaller brother where he had been feeding. The smaller said, "down in that parking lot at the end of the bayou, why?". The bigger said, "well, thats where I feed too, what's your technique?" The smaller then looked at him and said "well, I go over to one of those lawyers cars, and hide up under it, when he comes out, I grab him, shake the shit o

In a 4 story building there lived 4 people: On the 1st floor lived a cop On the 2nd floor lived a thief On the 3rd floor lived a blind man On the 4th floor lived a very clean woman that took alot of showers. One day the woman on the 4th floor got into the shower. She heard a knock on the door. "Who is it?" she asked, "It's the cop". So the woman pur her robe on and went to open the door. "Wish me Mazel Tov!" said the cop. The woman asked him why, and he said: "Because I caught all the thiefs except one!". She says Mazel Tov and goes back to the shower. She heard another knock on the door. "Who is it?" she asked, "It's the thief". So the woman pur her robe on and went to open the door. "

Q: Why do women fart less than men? A: Because they won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

"I never forget a face. However, in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception." -Groucho Marx

Is your computer male of female? As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes", or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!" Recently a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusions follow: 1. No one but the creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you." 4. Even your smallest mistakes are

Our lager, Which art in barrels, Hallowed be thy drink. Thy will be drunk, I will be drunk, At home as it is in the tavern. Give us this day our foamy head, And forgive us our spillages, As we forgive those who spill against us. And lead us not to incarceration, But deliver us from hangovers. For thine is the beer, The bitter, The lager.

A well dressed man walks into a bar in a rather rough side of town. The bartender watches to make sure no fights break out with him. To the bartenders suprise, the man starts hitting his hand like hes dialing a telephone. He puts his hand to his ear and starts talking. The bartender goes over to him and says, "What are you crazy? People see you doing that, they'll kick your ass." The man replies, "No, no it's the state of the art telephone built into my hand. Here have a look." The bartender has a nice chat with his mom on the mans hand and says, "wow, that's impressive." Then goes back to work. 10 minutes later the man goes into the bathroom and a bunch of gang-bangers go in after him. The

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

What do you call an honest lawyer? An oxymoron.

A man goes into a bar. He sits down and starts staring at a young punk with spiked red hair, multicolored clothes, and an earring. The punk gets mad turns around and says, "Hey old man, what are you looking at?" The old man says, "Nothing, it's just that when I was in the army, I got really drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was wondering if you were my son."

So ... the other day, my friends and I went to this "Ladies Night Club." One of the girls wanted to impress us, so she pulls out a $10 bill. The "dancer" came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and put it on his butt cheek. Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill and puts it on his other butt cheek. Still attempting to impress the rest of us, my other friend pulls out a $50 bill. She calls the guy back over again, licks the $50 bill and again puts it on one of his butt cheeks. Now the attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that? I got out my wallet, thought for a minute ... and then the financial analyst i