A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So, the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old man. She asks, "You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that, and what are you praying for?"The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man. I go home, have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth." The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and

There was a fatal bus accident and the only survivor was a monkey. In order to fill in the blanks of the event, the police had hired a monkey trainer that could speak sign language with the monkey. The trainer first asked the monkey if he had actually been on the bus. The monkey nodded yes. The trainer then asked the monkey what was going on in the bus just before the accident. The monkey made hand motions to signal that there had been some heavy drinking of alcohol going on. The trainer motioned, "I see, what else was going on?" To this, the monkey made gestures to show people smoking marijuana. The trainer motioned, "Isee, what else was going on?" To this, the monkey depicted

What do you get when you cross a chicken with a monkey? George W. Bush

What's grosser than gross? When you find a used tampon in your ketchup bottle.

What's grosser than gross? When you're eating a bowl of rice crispies and one gets up and slithers away.

A blond lady was taking a shower one morning and when she was done washing her hair she took the washcloth and washed herself. when she was done, she stepped to the left brought back her arm and swung. she did that 4-5 times. she was trying to dry the cloth. she finally just gave up. that night she told her husband what she did and he thought a moment and said "honey. were you putting the washcloth back in the water each time?" so the next morning the wife went back in the shower and tried not to hit the wash cloth in the water. she of course did not succeed. so again in bed that night she told her husband she had tried but she just could not get the washcloth to dry. so the husband said "ho

My mouth has turned into a flower bed. It has tulips.

At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him. "Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go huntin'?'" "And then what happened?" the officer interrupted. "From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"

A man walks into a doctor's office. He says, "Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me! My elbow keeps coming untied. . . my belly button is out of order. . . I can't open my chest. . . I'm losing the leaves in my palm. . . somebody threw my waist in the trash. . . and my foot is only eleven inches!"

A woman walks in to the hospital to visit her husband. She talks to the doctor, and the doctor says,"I have bad news, and worse news." The woman starts to cry, asking for the bad news first. The doctor replies,"The bad news is that your husband only has 24 hours to live." The woman starts to cry even more, and now asks for the worse news. The Doctor now replies,"The worse news is that I have been trying to contact you since yesterday."

Rules For Chocolate =================================== If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy? If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate,

What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive.