JUDGE: "The court can produce a dozen witnesses who saw you rob the bank." ROBBER: "Big deal! I can bring in hundreds of people who didn't see it!"

DOCTOR: "Do you smoke or drink?" PATIENT: "I didn't know I had a choice."

A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

PIANO PLAYER: "Do you think I have a gift for playing?" LISTENER: "No, but I'll give you one for stopping!"

One day a man with a box walked in a bar. He sat down, opened the box and out popped a leprechaun. The man told the bartender, "I want a pint of beer and a shot of whiskey for my buddy here." There was man sitting at the end of the bar watching all of this and, after the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he ran down to the end of the bar and spit in the guy's face, then he ran back. The guy with the box said, "I'll have another beer and a shot of whiskey for my buddy here." After the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he again ran to the end of the bar and spit in the man's face, then dashed back. The guy with the box ordered another beer for himself and another shot for the le

yo momma so short that when she sat on the curb her legs swing

You know you're addicted to Wocka.com when... 1.) You have dreamt of Wocka in your sleep, and have actually made up a joke in your sleep. 2.) You've added people to your buddy list JUST to see the last time that they've logged in. 3.) The top username in the rankings is your idol. 4.) You have a notebook filled up with all the jokes you've made up. 5.) If you get up in the middle of the night to use the restroom, you just HAVE to check how your new joke is doing, along with reading a "quickie" joke. 6.) You know the Wocka point system by heart. (hmmmmm) 7.) As you read this list, you're thinking about forwarding it to your friends. 8.) The only way that you keep in contact wi

Tyler and Katz, two judges, were each arrested on speeding charges. When they arrived in court on the appointed day, no one was there, so instead of wasting time waiting around they decided to try each other. Motioning Tyler to the stand, Katz said, "How do you plead?" "Guilty." "That'll be fifty dollars and a warning from the court." Katz stepped down and the two judges shook hands and changed places. "How do you plead?" asked Tyler. "Guilty." Tyler reflected for a moment. "These reckless driving cases are becoming all too common of late," he pointed out. "In fact, this is the second such incident in the last quarter hour. That'll be two hundred dollars and ten days in jail."

The following is a basic guide to Valentine's Day survival for men, which was faxed to Robert Kirby, The Salt Lake Tribune, by the nice ladies down at "Romance Anonymous," formerly known as "Men Are Pigs But We Can't Kill Them." STEP ONE: The minimum requirement is to let the woman know you care. The least expensive way is to look at her -- preferably somewhere on her face -- and say, "I love you, [her name here]". If you forget her name, don't bother with the rest of the steps. You're dead. STEP TWO: A Valentine card is an acceptable nonverbal token of appreciation. Best of all, it's cheap. Good Valentines are pink with lots of lace and have cute words such as "I'll love my sugar bunny fo

AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained beets. ALIEN: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself. APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes. BABY: 1. Dad, when he gets a cold. 2. Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42. BATHROOM: a room used by the entire family, believed by all (except Mom) to be self-cleaning. BECAUSE: Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically. BED & BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves. CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes. CAR POOL: Complicat

Rising gas prices have caused the following event: The wife comes home and says, "It's been a tough week. I want you to take me someplace expensive tonight." The husband promptly takes her to the nearest Gas Station.

Mom (Reprimandingly): Julia! How many times must I tell you not to pull the cat's tail? Julia (Innocently): But Mom, I'm only holding the tail. It's the cat that's doing the pulling.