Yo mama's so poor she can't even pay attention.

If the most common phrase in your house is "Somebody go jiggle the handle!"... you might be a redneck.

What is more peculiar than watching a catfish? Watching a goldfish bowl.

There were three prisoners who were about to be executed by the electric chair. The guards strapped down the first one, a Frenchman, onto the chair, and they asked him for his last words. "Vive la France!" he said, meaning 'Long live France'. When they pulled the switch, nothing happened. Everyone was amazed and thought that a miracle had occurred. The Frenchman was saved from death and released. The guards strapped the second one, an Englishman, in the chair. When asked for his last words, he said, "Long live the Queen!" Again, when they pulled the switch, nothing happened. He was saved and released. When they asked the last prisoner who was an Irishman for his last words, he sa

I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my co-workers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send th

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com, did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape. "It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $50 between us." The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers.... we had $100 when we broke in!"

Why did the banana go to the doctors? Because it wasn't peeling well

What do elephants always bring on holiday? A trunk.

Why is a football pitch so cold? Because of all the fans

What are Martians favorite sweets? Mars-mallows.

What do you give a sick pig? Oinkment.