Did you ever have to fart, on a bus, or an airplane, or in some public place, but hadn't been farting all that day? So you didn't really know the nature of the beast, you only knew there was LOTS of it! In a situation like that, what you have to do is to release a test fart. You have to arrange to release, quietly, and in a careful, controlled manner, about 10 to 15 percent of the total fart in order to determine if those around you can handle it! Or if in fact you may be about to precipitate a public health emergency! When releasing a test fart, it is often good to engage in an act of refuge such as reaching for a magazine. "Sayyy, is that Golf Digest?" *FART!* You think, "Ah, that was

A man had parked his car in the supermarket parking lot and was walking past an empty cart, when he heard a female voice say, "Mister, are you using that cart?" "No," he answered..."I'm only after one thing." As he walked away he heard her murmur, "Typical male."

Emerging from the chiropractor's treatment room, a young man said aloud, "I feel like a new man!" "I do, too," a middle-aged woman responded, "but I'll probably go home with the same old one."

Yo momma so fat she doesnt have dreams... she has MOTION PICTURES!

Two guys were at the gym. Bob asked Ben, "How did the date go with my sister?" Bob replied, "I didn't know your sister was famous. When I took her to the opera, and when it was over no one would leave until she stood up and sang."

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!" Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?" The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!" On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like he'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then

Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk? A: The cow fell on her.

Q: What do peroxide blondes and black men have in common? A: They both have black roots.

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dyes their hair brunette? A: Artificial intelligence.

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from a girl, our computers facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. I started to type, "Leave me alone!" They both jumped back, silenced. "What the . . . " the teacher said. I typed, "I said leave me alone!" The kid got real upset. "I

Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob told Lester, "Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Marie didn't get pregnant again!" Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" Billy Bob says, "This year, I'm takin' Marie with me..."

Yo mama's so funky, they closed the beaches for a week after she drained her bath water.