It was Superbowl Sunday for the animals, and the Elephants were playing the Cows. The whole first half of the game, the Elephants got their butts whipped. The cows were winning by a mile. By halftime, the Elephants were about ready to give up. But at the start of the second half, a new player ran on to the field. It was a Centipede! He was so fast the cows couldn't even get within five feet of him. In no time, the Elephants had twice as many points as the cows. At the end of the game, the coach of the Elephants thanked the centipede for helping them win the Super Bowl. "But I just want to know, why didn't you come out until halftime?" The centipede answered, "It took me that long to put my

A man and his wife were arguing when the man commented smugly, "You know, women talk so much! They talk twice as much as man do!" The wife thought for a while and said, "The reason women talk so much is because they have to repeat everything they say." The man frowned. Then he said, "What?"

A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the comments that were funny and some that were sad. Here are some of them. The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years: This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6) Whales are animals, not fish. If they don't get air they can drown, like my brother did last summer. (David age 7) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all around you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7) I think shark

The top 10 signs your best mate is actually a secret agent.... 1. His shoe keeps ringing. 2. When you borrow something from him, it explodes after a week. 3. When you drive his car, you accidentally shoot down the AA Roadwatch helicopter. 4. Various other items he owns self-destruct within five seconds of being handled. 5. He introduces himself with his surname then his first name then his surname again. 6. The dashboard of his new sports car resembles an airplane cockpit. 7. Commutes to the office using a jet pack. 8. "Where do I work? Uh... in the Financial Services Centre! Heheh..." 9. Asks to borrow your exploding pens. 10. Favourite phrase is "Yeah, baby... yeah!"

A homeless man stops at a farmhouse to beg to spend the night. The farmer answers the door and says, "Sure, we can put you up." The vagrant washes up for dinner and meets the family downstairs. Sitting at the dinner table are the farmer, his wife, their son, and a gigantic pig who is sitting at the table like a human. Throughout the meal the vagrant tries not to stare at the pig, who sports three medals around his neck, as well as a wooden leg. Finally, he can contain his curiosity no longer. He asks, "Would you mind telling me about the bronze medal around your pig's neck?" The farmer says, "Sure. It's really an incredible story. Little Timmy here was swimming in the lake when he got a

If a man speaks in the middle of the forest and no women are around to hear him, is he still wrong?

Some common phrases that bees should know: Are you are hipbee? How comb? Hive already finished.

You Know You're Addicted to AIM When... 1.) Three words: Carpal tunnel syndrome 2.) You no longer type with proper punctuation, capitalization, or complete sentences... 3.) You're pissed off your buddy list can only hold 200 screen names. 4.) You begin to say hehehe instead of laughing. 5.) You can now type over 70 words per minute. 6.) You type messages to people who are right next to you or on the phone with you. 7.) You won't work at a company that blocks AIM 8.) You sign on and immediately get 10 messages from other people 9.) You have a couple screen names, some of them secret. 10.) You type in random screen names, just to see if anyone has them. 11.) Your screenn

This Is A True Senior's Moment: An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that is red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Oh, yes," the man said, and then he turned toward the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last

A new jewelry store was opening for the first time. On the front of the store, there was a sign that said "Popular Prices". A man looked at the sign and walked right in. He asked the employee at the desk, "How much for that pearl necklace?" "14,000 dollars." "What? How are those popular prices?" The employee replied meekly, "We like 'em."

You might be a redneck if you list your dog or cat as a dependent on your taxes. You might be a redneck if you have never been on a main road. You might be a redneck if you drive a minivan to the prom. You might be a redneck if the most expensive jewelery you have came from Dollar General.

You have more than three first names. You drove a monster truck to the prom. You are marrying your brother-in-law. You go out, get drunk, and come home with a tatoo of your momma's name. Your last name is your first name spelled backwards You are readiing these jokes!!!