"Doctor, Doctor! My friend has only 59 seconds to live." "Don't worry, I'll be there in a minute."

A man takes a day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole, when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it, and is about to shoot when he hears "Ribbit, 9 iron" The man looks around and doesn't see anybody. So he gets ready again, when he hears "Ribbit 9 iron" He looks at the frog, and decides to prove him wrong. He puts away his club, and gets a 9 iron. He whacked that ball, and it landed 10 in. from the cup! He was shocked, and looked at the frog, "Wow, that was amazing" he said "You must be a lucky frog then." "Ribbit, Lucky Frog" The man takes the frog to the next hole. "What do you think?" he said. "Ribbit, 3 wood" The ma

I work at Bed, Bath and Beyond in the 'Beyond' dept.

If to give a man a fish, he eats for a day, but if you teach a man to fish... He has to buy a license, poles, bait, and sit on his behind for four hours.

What Men Want More beer. More cheese. More sex. Vitamin fortified cigars. Public beer fountains. Kitty catapults. All day happy hour at a lesbian Hooters. Wet T-shirt Fridays. Replace NFL linebackers with genetically bred velociraptors. Rocket boots. Machine gun camp. NASA space shuttle races. Sledgehammer boxing. Girlfriend TiVO so you can pause, rewind, and delete arguments. Congressional pie fights. Government research grants to build the perfect chicken parmesan hero. More beer. More cheese. More sex. Tomahawk missile surf boards. Hot tub jury boxes. Nacho cheese lipstick. Personal midget-ninja chauffeurs. New TV shows: PBS' The BBQ Hour, Tota

Q. How many ADD kids does it take to change a light bulb? A. Hey, let's go ride bikes!

Here are some excuses for if someone asks you to do something with them... I'd love to but... I have to floss my cat. I'd love to but... I've dedicated my life to linguini. I'd love to but... I want to spend more time with my blender. I'd love to but... The President said he might drop in. I'd love to but... The man on television told me to stay tuned. I'd love to but... I've been scheduled for a karma transplant. I'd love to but... I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture. I'd love to but... It's my parakeet's bowling night. I'd love to but... It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People. I'd love to but... I'm building a pig from a kit. I'd love to

Here are some excuses if someone asks you to do something with them... I'd love to but... People are blaming me for the Spanish-American War. I'd love to but... I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out. I'd love to but... I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator". I'd love to but... I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer. I'd love to but... My yucca plant is feeling yucky. I'd love to but... I'm touring China with a wok band. I'd love to but... My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night. I'd love to but... I never go out on days that end in "Y". I'd love to but... My mother would never let me hear the end of it.

Here are some excuses if someone asks you to do something with them... I'd love to, but I prefer to remain an enigma. I'd love to, but I think you want the OTHER [your name]. I'd love to, but I have to sit up with a sick aunt. I'd love to, but I'm trying to cut down. I'd love to, but I need to eat some food for thought. I'd love to, but I've already used up eight of my nine lives. I'd love to, but the jury is still out. I'd love to, but I'm going to catalog my cutlery collection. I'd love to, but my cat has a yeast infection. I'd love to, but it's against my religion. I'd love to, but the voices say that if I go to work/school, then I will have to sacrifice an animal/smal

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." ...George W. Bush "Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child." ...Governor George W. Bush "Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts." ...Governor George W. Bush "Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." ...Governor George W. Bush, 8/11/94 "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I d

Artery: Study of paintings Bacteria: Backdoor to cafeteria Barium: What to do when treatment fails Bowel: Letter like A E I O or U Ceasarean Section: District in Rome Cat Scan: Searching for Kitty Cauterize: Made eye contact with her Coma: Punctuation Mark Congenital: Friendly D & C: Where Washington is Dilate: To live long Enema: Not a friend Fester: Quicker Genital: Non-Jewish Hang Nail: Coat Hook Impotent: Distinguished, well known Labor pain: Hurt at work Morbid: Higher offer Nitrate: Cheeper than day Node: Was aware of Outpatient: Person fainted Post op: Letter Carrier Recovery Room: Place to apholster Rectum: Dang near Killed Him Rheumatic: Amorous Secretio

There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who can do binary and those who can't.