An older man, Mr.Brown, in his hospital room knew that he was nearing his death, so he called in the three people that he trusted the most - his doctor, his pastor, and his lawyer. They were all waiting sadly outside of his room, when he called in his doctor. The doctor walked in slowly expecting to have to reassure the diagnosis. To his surprise, his patient handed him $30,000 in cash. Mr. Brown simply said, "When I die, put this in my coffin." The doctor walked walked out confused and told the pastor that Mr. Brown was ready for him. Now the pastor walked in expecting for Mr. Brown to confess every sin he ever committed in hopes of ending it right. To his surprise, the old man han

Little Johnny was playing with his father's wallet when he accidently swallowed a quarter. He went crying to his mom, choking on the quarter. They took him to a doctor, who said that the quarter was impossible to remove without surgery, they consulted a specialist who was of the same opinion. Then came a man who said he could get the money out in a jiffy. He turned little Johnny upside down and patted him with great precision on the back of neck and, sure enough, the quarter rolled out. Everyone was amazed, the father said "You must be an expert!" The man replied, "No sir I'm just a tax collector."

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students, one by one - "John, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" "Just a minute, I have to go piss." The teacher replied "That would be rude and impolite!" "What about you, Michael, how would you say it?" "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back." The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table." "And you, Billy, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?" "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment

You Know You're Addicted to Harry Potter When... 1.) You make a wand and try to use it. 2.) You call your least favorite teacher Snape. 3.) You call your favorite teacher Dumbledore. 4.) You wear robes to school or work. 5.) You make "floo powder", get in the fire, and try to go to your friends' house. 6.) You have read all the books more than four times. 7.) You've been bookstore at midnight to get the latest Harry Potter book before all your friends. 8.) You've worn a Harry Potter costume in public. 9.) You have a crush on one of the Harry Potter characters. 10.) You've gotten at least one of your friends addicted to Harry Potter. 11.) You actually caught the "Wand Order" mista

Little Johnny was doing his homework, and it was some sort of code where you had to fill in which letter is which, i.e. the letter a = 1, b = 2, d = 4, etc. He got to one that he didn't know which number it was, and he decided to ask his father, who was sitting on the couch next to him. Little Johnny said, "Hey dad, can you tell me what the 25th letter of the alphabet is?" The dad answered, "Y." Little Johnny said, "Because I wanna know. Gosh, do you know it or not?" The dad said, "Y, son!" Little Johnny said, "Because I wanna know, and if you want to deny it again, then you are more of a *&^%ing *&^%$ than a ^&*# on a %$#@! The dad took this hard, and said meekly, "It's t

Young Justin has a cursing problem, and his father's getting tired of it. He decides to ask a shrink what to do. The shrink says, "Negative reinforcement. Since Christmas is coming up, ask Justin what he wants from Santa. If he curses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of each gift he requests." Two days before Christmas, Justin's father asks him what he wants for Christmas. "I want a damn teddy bear lying beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs, I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside, I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage." On Christmas morning, Justin wakes up and rolls into a pile of do

Beware of the following new computer viruses ===================================================== ADAM AND EVE VIRUS - Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple. AIRBAG VIRUS - Can only cause harm if you are a petite computer operator who sits too close to the screen. Provides a handy ON-OFF switch in most current release. AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS - You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore. AL GORE VIRUS - Claims that it is the Internet. Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting. ALZHEIMER'S VIRUS - It makes your computer forget where it put your files. APPLE VIRUS - Virus-8, originally planned as a revolutionary redesign of aging but classic virus software, ha

Q: How many IBM engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They merely change the standard to darkness and upgrade the customers.

A woman was singing. One of the guests turned to a man by his side and criticized the singer. "What a terrible voice!" he said. "Do you know who she is?" "Yes," was the answer. "She is my wife." "Oh, I beg your pardon." The man said, "Of course her voice is not bad, but the song is very bad. I wonder who wrote that awful song." "I did." was the answer.

I studied and studied and came up with a conclusion 1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL. 2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING. 3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL. 4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL. 5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS. 6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF. AMAZING CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

Why did the book have to go to the hospital? Because it injured its spine.

One afternoon a blonde walked into a small store. The store was having a special on CD players. She walked up to a CD player, then picked it up, and proceeded to the front counter, where she asked two employees what the price was. The two men looked at each other, and one of them said to the other in an audible whisper, "Don't worry, she's a stupid and dumb blonde. Let's raise the price!" The blonde COULD hear this, but said nothing. The other man nodded to his fellow employee, and said, "Okay, ma'am, the price is $75.00." Amazingly, the blonde agreed, and paid the money, then got her CD player. ***************************************** A couple hours later, the blonde comes in again. Th