1. San Diego police department, how may we help you? 2. Hi! Would you like to buy a new sofa, fridge or car? What about a vacuum? 3. Hello earthling. I am an alien. You may not know this, but right now, I am having sex with your ear. 4. Let your child answer the phone and tell them to say this: "Will you be my friend?" 5. Burp into the phone. 6. Fart into the phone. 7. Yes, I'd like to order one large mushroom pizza, and cheese sticks... 8. Hello, the president is not in his office at this moment, this is his secretary, can I take a message? 9. Saddam Hussein's headquarters. May I ask why you are calling? 10. Konnichiwa. Aji tunti wahika nu popo bwah? Bunwaf huji toe... (you get the point.)

The founder of the Harley  Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died and went  to heaven.    At the gates, St. Peter told  Arthur, "You've been a good man and your motorcycles have changed the  world. Your reward is, you can hang  out with anyone you want in Heaven."   Arthur thought about it for a  minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the  Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and  commented, "So you were the one who  invented the Harley Davidson motorcycles, eh?"   Arthur said, "Yeah, that's  me..." God commented, "Well, what's the big deal about inventing something  that's pretty unstable, m

Yo Momma's feet are so ashy she leaves white footprints. Yo Momma's house is so nasty the roaches moved out. Yo Momma's hair is so short it's ingrown. I would stay and chat, but yo momma's water bowl is empty.

Hillary Clinton went in for her yearly check-up. When it was finished, she asked her gynecologist how everything was. He said he was pleased and that she was in great shape, and that she was pregnant. "No way!" she exclaimed, but he assured her she was most definitely pregnant. She stormed out of the examining room, grabbed the receptionist's phone and dialed the private line in the Oval Office. When Bill answered the phone, she shouted, "I can't believe it! I'm pregnant! You got me pregnant!" The president didn't say anything, and she screamed, "Didn't you hear me?? I'm pregnant! You got me pregnant!" Hesitantly, the president asked, "Um...who IS this?"

A wise man once said. I Don't know ask A Girl! A wise man Once Said. Life sucks and then we die.

I didn't lose my mind! I sold it on Ebay...

For all of you who say I need anger management... Just to let you know, if I could control my anger, I'd destroy you with it!

This was seen on a bulletin board at a grocery store: "I have kidnapped myself. Please give me $2,000,000 and 5 tacos or you will never see me again." And a different one: "I'm missing, so I have gone to look for myself. If I come back here before I do, please keep me safe here until I return. Thanks!"

We and You is friends. You smile, We smile..... You hurt, We hurt.... You cry, We cry... You jump off a bridge... We gonna miss you!

After a hardy Indiana rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window. The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole. As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic. "Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!" she says as she shook the older boy in anger. "We were just playing 'church' mommy," he said. "I was baptizing him in the name of the Father, the Son and in the hole-he-goes."

These are actual bumper stickers that were found on people's cars: The proctologist called; they found your head. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke off. Guys; just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them. Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me. Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date. Some people just don't know how to drive. I call these people "Everybody But Me," Try not to let your mind wander, it's too small, it'll get lost. Welcome to America! Now, learn to speak English.

Little Tommy ran to his dad and said "Daddy, daddy! Watch me count." Tommy holds up his right hand, and, touching each finger, counts to five. "One, two, three, four, five." "Good!" his dad exclaimed. "Can you count higher?" Tommy pauses to think for a minute, then stretches his hand higher up in the air, past his head. "One, two, three, four, five..."