The bumper sticker on your car reads: "What Would Dawson Do?" In the middle of an exam, you tell the professor you want to use a lifeline. You need to be tranquilized when the cable goes out. In the late evening, you look forward to sitting back and catching the latest informercial. If you're a witness to an argument, you instinctually shout, "Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!" You try to impress the opposite sex by saying, "Hey, I get 120 channels!" Your entire CD collection consists of "Greatest Hits" albums by the decade. You have a gold-plated "clicker." Your intellectual discussions all stem from The Discovery Channel. After 15 minutes of work, you need a two-minute break.

There once was this deacon and this preacher, and they had been really good friends for a long time. Well, one day the deacon got sick and was taken to hospital, so the preacher decided to go and see his old friend. When he walked into the hospital room, the preacher noticed all the hoses and stuff they had going into the deacon. The preacher walked over and kneeled by the bed and asked, "How ya doing?" The deacon motioned at a pad and pen on the nightstand. "You want that?" the preacher asked him, and the deacon nodded his head yes. So the preacher handed his friend the pad and pen and the deacon began to write. All of a sudden the deacon died. At his funeral, the preacher was asked to deli

Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy gets handcuffed to one of the ugliest girls there. ''Why?'' he asks. St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The same happens to the second guy. He asks why. St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The third guy laughs at his friends and says, ''Thank God I didn't do anything like that.'' He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven. The other two guys ask, ''Why?'' ''Because when she was nine she killed a bird with a stone.''

This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage. Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night. Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming back. Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through twenty minutes without either puking or shitting. After several hours of this, he is able to stop puking, but he is still running to the toilet every 2

1. Your dog rather rub up against the wall than have you pet it. 2. All the numbers in your little black book start with "1-900." 3. Due to excessive hazing and ridicule, you decided to drop out of the Origami Club. 4. You were almost involved in a threesome, but your left hand fell asleep. 5. Fantasizing out loud before falling asleep is your idea of "pillow talk." 6. Your personal ad reads: "Seeking Anybody." 7. Next to your name in the phone directory, the phone number is replaced with the phrase "Who cares?" 8. You look forward to the dinner time calls from telemarketers. 9. The last time you were invited to a party, you were grooving to the lyric, "Put your right foot in, take you

A little boy was in his room playing with himself, when his father walked in. "Son! If you masturbate too much, you're gonna go blind!" "Dad," the boy said, "I'm over here."

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believ

If Men Ruled the World Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you." Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards. If your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time," would pretty much do it. Birth control would come in ale or lager. You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme." Eac

A priest wanted to convince a prostitute to turn respectable. So he met with her one day and began slowly warming up to her. "Oh, my child," he said, "your dress is most lovely." "Thank you, Father," she replied. The radio was playing and they danced a little as they talked. "Oh, my child," said the priest, "your conversation is most lovely." "Thank you, Father," said the prostitute. Finally, the priest sat her down and said, "Oh, my child, there is one thing I have against you." And the prostitute said, "Yes, I know, Father. I felt it while we were dancing."

Christmas Italian Style 'Twas the night before Christmas, Da whole house was mella Not a creature was stirrin', Cuz I had a gun unda my pilla. When up on da roof I heard somethin' pound, I sprung to da window, To scream, "YO! Keep it down!" When what to my Wonderin' eyes should appear, But da Don of all elfs, And eight friggin' reindeer! Wit' slicked back black hair, And a silk red suit, Don Santa wuz here, And he brought all da loot! Wit' a slap to dare snouts, And a yank on dare manes, He cursed and he shouted, And he called dem by name. "Yo Tony, Yo Frankie, Yo Vinny, Yo Vito, Ay Joey, Ay Paulie, Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!" As I drew out my gun And hid by da b

Did you get any under the tree? I think your balls are hanging too low. Check out Rudolph's honker! Santa's sack is really bulging. Lift up the skirt so I can get a whiff. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake? I love licking the end till it's really sharp and pointy. From here you can't tell if they're artificial or real. Can I interest you in some dark meat? To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is no