You're so old your social security number is 1!

Going to bed the other night, I noticed people in my shed, stealing things. I phoned the police but was told nobody was in the area to help. They said they would send someone over as soon as possible. I hung up. A minute later, I phoned again. "Hello" I said, "I called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. You don't have to worry now because I shot them." Within minutes, there were half a dozen police cars in the area, plus helicopters and an armed response unit. They caught the burglars red-handed. One of the officers said, "I thought you said you shot them." To which I replied, "I thought you said there was no one available."

A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and she was mad. Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play." Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with." Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?" Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed." The mom said "ok", and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door. Mom : "Now what do I do?" Son : "Get your ass out of bed, you whore, and fix that kid some friggin ice cream."

I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other

You were so ugly as a baby, your incubator was tinted.

The doctors were talking about their work. "I had great success with one of my patients," said the first doctor. "When he came to me, he thought he was as small as a mouse." "And you cured him?" the second docter asked. "I convinced him that many of the world's greatest men were small," the first docter said, "He was doing quite well. Then - I lost him." "What happened?" "It was an accident," the doctor sighed sadly, "A pussy cat ate him."

Oscar got to the broken down inn and asked for a room. "I have only one room left," said the innkeeper, "But before I give it to you, I must tell you that room is where the white-eyed ghost lives." Oscar wasn't worried. "I'll take the room," he said, "I'm not afraid of ghosts." That night, when Oscar went to bed, a scary voice said, "Boooo! I am the white-eyed ghost...." "Shut up!" Oscar said, "i'm tired!" "Boooooo" the ghost said again, "I am the white-eyed ghost!" Oscar sat up, reached over, picked up a chair and threw it at the ghost, who disappeared. Oscar lay down again and shut his eyes. "Boooooo!" moaned the voice from the darkness, "I am the black-eyed ghost...."

Once the head teacher of a primary school walked into a classroom and started firing questions at the students. Head Teacher: "Who made the world?" The students shivered with fright but no one answered. Head Teacher: "Children,I asked, WHO MADE THE WORLD?" The teacher's voice was getting louder and the kids were freaking out. The head teacher banged his fist on the front desk and yelled: "I SAID, WHO MADE THE WORLD?" One of the students on the front seat yelled out in fright, "OH PLEASE SIR, IT WASN'T ME!"

A mom was wanting to get her boobs enlarged. Unfortunately for her, she didn't have enough money to get it done. In fact, she had exactly half the money needed. She was telling her son, Little Benny, "Honey, Mommy really wants to get a boob job. But Mommy has only half the money." She hung her head, and her son said puzzled, "Well why can't mommy just pick one?"

My family has no traditions. We just do the same thing, over and over again, each year.

Knock-knock? Who's there? Estelle. Estelle Who? Estelle am waiting for you to open this door!

LADY TO BEGGAR- Why don't you get a job? BEGGAR- Actually, I'm an author. I once wrote a book entitled "One Hundred Ways to Make Money." LADY- Well then why are you begging? BEGGAR- It's one of my ways...