Yo Momma is so fat that when she put on a yellow jacket kids tried to get on it to go to school because they thought it was a bus.

A rancher walked up to the window at the post office, where a new clerk was sorting mail. "Any mail for Mike Howe?" the rancher asked. The clerk ignored him and the rancher repeated his question in a louder voice. Without looking up, the clerk said, "No, none for your cow and none for your horse, either."

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he? Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war? Q: Did he kill you? Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision? Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true? Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in - then the trouble started.

A 14-year old boy was helping his mom wash the dishes after dinner on a beautiful day. He says, "Mom, can I go outside? I want to play football." His mom says, "OK, but on one condition: you let your little brother play with you and your friends." The teenager replied with, "But mom, we already tried that. This time I want to play with a real football!"

This is a list of what I have learned so far in my life: 1.) Always smile. It makes adults wonder what you're up to. 2.) Golf is no longer a rich man's sport. There are millions of poor players. 3.) If at first you DO succeed, try to hide your astonishment. 4.) It takes a thousand nuts and bolts to put a car together, yet just one nut to scatter it all over the road. 5.) NEVER play leapfrog with a unicorn. 6.) NEVER ask your dad to help you with your math homework, unless you want a 4-hour lecture. 7.) When things look black, send them to the laundry. 8.) Be tolerant of those who disagree with you. After all, they're entitled to their stupid opinions!

It was Superbowl Sunday for the animals, and the Elephants were playing the Cows. The whole first half of the game, the Elephants got their butts whipped. The cows were winning by a mile. By halftime, the Elephants were about ready to give up. But at the start of the second half, a new player ran on to the field. It was a Centipede! He was so fast the cows couldn't even get within five feet of him. In no time, the Elephants had twice as many points as the cows. At the end of the game, the coach of the Elephants thanked the centipede for helping them win the Super Bowl. "But I just want to know, why didn't you come out until halftime?" The centipede answered, "It took me that long to put my

A man and his wife were arguing when the man commented smugly, "You know, women talk so much! They talk twice as much as man do!" The wife thought for a while and said, "The reason women talk so much is because they have to repeat everything they say." The man frowned. Then he said, "What?"

A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the comments that were funny and some that were sad. Here are some of them. The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years: This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6) Whales are animals, not fish. If they don't get air they can drown, like my brother did last summer. (David age 7) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all around you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7) I think shark

The top 10 signs your best mate is actually a secret agent.... 1. His shoe keeps ringing. 2. When you borrow something from him, it explodes after a week. 3. When you drive his car, you accidentally shoot down the AA Roadwatch helicopter. 4. Various other items he owns self-destruct within five seconds of being handled. 5. He introduces himself with his surname then his first name then his surname again. 6. The dashboard of his new sports car resembles an airplane cockpit. 7. Commutes to the office using a jet pack. 8. "Where do I work? Uh... in the Financial Services Centre! Heheh..." 9. Asks to borrow your exploding pens. 10. Favourite phrase is "Yeah, baby... yeah!"

A homeless man stops at a farmhouse to beg to spend the night. The farmer answers the door and says, "Sure, we can put you up." The vagrant washes up for dinner and meets the family downstairs. Sitting at the dinner table are the farmer, his wife, their son, and a gigantic pig who is sitting at the table like a human. Throughout the meal the vagrant tries not to stare at the pig, who sports three medals around his neck, as well as a wooden leg. Finally, he can contain his curiosity no longer. He asks, "Would you mind telling me about the bronze medal around your pig's neck?" The farmer says, "Sure. It's really an incredible story. Little Timmy here was swimming in the lake when he got a

If a man speaks in the middle of the forest and no women are around to hear him, is he still wrong?