One day Little Jimmy has a dentist appointment. The appointment is during 7:20 to 8:20, which is the first hour of Little Jimmy's school. The appointment went fine, but Little Jimmy's mom had to get up from bed early to take Little Jimmy to his appointment, so she is a little tired. Little Jimmy's mother gives him a note, and she instructs him to give the note to his teacher. Little Jimmy doesn't look at the note, then when he gets into his classroom, he hands the note to his teacher, just as his mother had instructed. His teacher took the note, took a glance at it, then fainted. Little Jimmy and his classmates ran over to her to look at the note to see what all the commotion was. The note r

Why did the blonde bury her walkman? Because the batteries were dead.

How does a stereotypical blonde spell "farm"? E-I-E-I-O

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Cartoon Laws of Physics Cartoon Law I Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over. Cartoon Law II Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of mo

Reacting to Federal guidelines, the State of FLORIDA, which has been highlighted as a role model for student testing by the Bush Administration's Dept. of Education, has redesigned and just released a new comprehensive test to be given to all students beginning in the spring of the 2004-2005 school year. In response to President Bush's Federal No Child Left Behind Act, students will have to pass it to be promoted to the next grade level. In the hopes that it will be uniformly adopted by all the states, it will be called the Federal Arithmetic and Reading Test or (FART). All students who cannot pass a FART in the second grade will be retested in grades 3, 4, and 5 until such a time as they

These are some real people's names, and what they grew up to be. They are all true: 1.) Iccolo Miccolo played the piccolo for the Los Angeles Philharmonic Orchestra. 2.) H.M. Balmer was a funeral director in Fort Collins, Colorado. 3.) Miss Birdie Snyder married C. Canary and became Birdie Canary. 4.) Perhaps it was best to ignore the orders of Dr. Besick, a doctor in Chicago, Illinois. 5.) The Clipper brothers worked as barbers in Bakersfield, California. 6.) Mr. Thrift of Keepit, Australia, won the $30,000 first prize in a lottery. 7.) D. Sharp was a radio tenor. 8.) Dr. H.A. Toothacre worked as dentist for the Burlington, Iowa, Independent School District. 9.) B.F. Parsons was a

Here are some actual town's names: 1.) Two Egg, a town in Florida, was named for a system of barter used in the area after the Civil War, when two eggs were regularly traded for a bag of tobacco or sugar. 2.) Ed and Uz are the shortest place names in the United States. Both towns are in Kentucky. 3.) Slovenskanarodnapodpornajednota is a town in Pennsylvania. It has one of the longest names in the United States, but it covers only 500 acres and has only 11 residents, one mailbox, and one pay phone. 4.) Onoville, New York, was given this name because each time someone suggested a name at a town council meeting, the person was greeted by a chorus of "Oh, no!" 5.) Show Low is the name

What's the difference between a Mexican and a Bench? A bench can support a whole family.

What I Want in a Man, Original List 1. Handsome 2. Charming 3. Financially successful 4. A caring listener 5. Witty 6. In good shape 7. Dresses with style 8. Appreciates finer things 9. Full of thoughtful surprises 10. An imaginative, romantic lover What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32) 1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head) 2. Opens car doors, holds chairs 3. Has enough money for a nice dinner 4. Listens more than talks 5. Laughs at my jokes 6. Carries bags of groceries with ease 7. Owns at least one tie 8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal 9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries 10. Seeks romance at least once a week What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42) 1. Not too ug

Men: know what they want to be doing five years down the road. Guys: are not sure what they want to be doing later tonight. Men: read Crichton, watch Rather, play golf. Guys: read King, watch Seinfeld, play poker. Men: wear ties with stripes, shirts with buttons, and shoes with laces. Guys: wear high school T-shirts they've actually owned since high school. Men: think perfume (yours) is a turn-on. Guys: think sweat (theirs) is a turn-on. Men: balance their checkbooks. Guys: balance their loans so that they never hit up the same buddy twice in a row. Men: claim to be feminist but still insist on opening doors, driving, and paying for dinner. Guys: claim to be feminists so they can let YO

Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator. Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't kno