You Know You're Addicted to Video Games When... 1.) Your wife tells you that you are, and your two kids; Mario, and Sonic; agree with her. 2.) Whenever something bad happens, you reach for the pause button. 3.) You can microwave and eat a pizza using only your feet. 4.) You've spent so much time playing Tony Hawk Pro Skater 4 -- you actually taught youself how to skateboard. 5.) You've worn out the buttons in the elevator of your apartment. 6.) The only joystick you play with anymore is plugged in to your Xbox. 7.) You've decided you won't go outside anymore due to the 'tacky graphics, poor sound and low playability.' 8.) You've moved your PS2 into the bathroom -- just in case you

Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure. ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car & speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee): When forcing a poop, several fart

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? Why didn't Noah swat those

An elderly gentleman went to see his doctor and asked for a prescription of Viagra. The doctor said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?" The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces." The doctor said, "That won't do you any good." The elderly gentleman said, "That's all right. I don't need them for sex any more as I am over 90 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want." The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee b

THE COMMON FART The Common Fart is the fart heard most often. It is a very close relative of the "Ripper", but is released with less force. It is usually heard in groups where people aren't yet comfortable with farting amongst each other. Therefore, one person in the group gets up some nerve and releases this common-sounding fart in such a manner that everyone now feels comfortable with group flatulence.. Usually there is no smell with the Common Fart. THE ANXIOUS FART The Anxious Fart is let in a place where someone does not want the fart to be heard. You may have seen men and women in book stores or grocery stores, or even on the street, letting these farts. They are generally cont

Why did the penny become angry with the nickel? Because the nickel was a "penny pincher".

What did one tradesman say to another? I hope you have a "barter" day tomorrow.

A mother and a her daughter go to a restaurant for breakfast to celebrate her birthday. The restaurant is known for its imported cheeses. The mother asks, "Would you like some cheese, my angel?" The little girl says,"Sure, but can you take out the holes in the cheese?"

You Know You're Addicted to Caffeine When... 1.) You haven't slept since the Clinton Administration. 2.) Your next-door neighbors often call to complain about the sound of your chattering teeth. 3.) Instead of Tic Tacs, you suck on Vivarin. 4.) You plan to name your twins "Cappuccino" and "Espresso." 5.) On the way to work you get pulled over for speeding and you don't even have your car. 6.) You kill a guy for trying to switch your regular coffee to decaffeinated Folgers. 7.) You wake up in the middle of the night screaming "Pepsi! For the love of God, I need Pepsi!" 8.) When a Maxwell House commercial comes on, you actually lick the TV screen. 9.) You drink so much coffee it star

A famous blonde actress and her husband are going to meet an American. However, her husband has forgotten the young man's name. Later, the young man asks for an autograph. She asks, trying to find his name out, "How do you spell your name?" Upon hearing this, he said,"B-E-N A long time ago when I saw your first play on Broadway and got an autograph, you knew how to spell it."

Knock knock. Who's there? No one. No one who? No one to tell you who's here!