There lived a Chinese and an American in a hotel. One day, the Chinese felt thirsty, so he decided to get a drink of water. So he went to the public refrigerator, took a can of coke, and drank it. Then he wanted to go pee, so he peed in the can, closed the cap, put it back in the fridge, and hid in a corner. The American came a few minutes later. He took the can, took a sip, and then the Chinese man popped out from his hiding place and said: "Me Chinese, "Me play joke, "Me go pee-pee in your coke!" *SOCK*

Three women a brunette, a woman with jet black hair, and a blonde were pregnant and at the doctors' office to find out the sex of their babies. The nurse called for the brunette and she went into the office. She came out very happy and said, "My husband and I had sex standing up and I'm having a girl!" The women with jet black hair was called and went into the office. She came out very happily and said, "My husband and I had sex lying down, and I'm having a boy!" Next the blonde was called and went into the office. She soon ran back out crying. The other two women asked her what was wrong. The blond sobbed, "I'm having puppies!"

Two carrots are walking down the street one day when a car suddenly comes flying around the corner and runs one of them over. At the hospital, the doctor says to the other carrot, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is your friend is going to live. The bad news is he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

Yogi Berra is a famous baseball player who is most widely known for his renowned flubs. Here is a collection of the best. "This is like deja vu all over again." "You can observe a lot just by watching." "He must have made that before he died." -- Referring to a Steve McQueen movie. "I want to thank you for making this day necessary." -- On Yogi Berra Appreciation Day in St. Louis in 1947. "I'd find the fellow who lost it, and, if he was poor, I'd return it." -- When asked what he would do if he found a million dollars. "Think! How the hell are you gonna think and hit at the same time?" "You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there

New Rules New Rules Dear Employee: As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retir

How To Keep The IT Guy Happy When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't ge

Knock-knock! Who's there? Yoda! Yoda who? Yo-da door's stuck! Lemme in!

At weddings old people poke me and say, "You're next!" At funerals, I do the same.

Yo momma so fat, she used pillowcases for socks.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food. 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap. GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED: 1) Raising teenagers is like

Friend 1:"Yeh,you are looking too fat." Friend 2:"You are looking too old." Friend 1:"I am not old." Friend 2:"Then, I am not too fat."

My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.