Could you fax me your photo very very urgently? Mind you it's really very very urgent, damn serious and very important ..... I'm playing cards and we've misplaced the JOKER.

This is how you know if you are addicted to the internet: 1) You kiss you girlfriend's home page. 2.) Your bookmarks list takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom. 3.) Your eyeglasses have a web site burned into them. 4.) You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to Google. 5.) You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines. 6.) You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop. 7.) You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap, and your kid in the overhead compartment. 8.) Your dreams are in HTML. 9.) You find yourself typing ".com" after every period when using a word processor. 10.) You

Dear Dr. Ruth, I'm writing to tell you my problem. It seems I have been married to a sex maniac for the past 22 years. He makes love to me regardless of what I am doing. Ironing, washing dishes, etc. I should like to know if there is anything thet yiu vwn fi gue hduuen jsy jjeh jduue jheyhdu judgge jji jjie. njdsfhu

PLEASE DON'T SMOKE IN MY OFFICE! I enjoy sex more than you enjoy smoking but you don't see me screwing in your office.

What she says: Any ring is fine, as long as I have you. What she's thinking: No diamond? How cheap! I'll make his life a living hell! I'll put poison in his coffee! I'll cut his brake lines! Get her a diamond, idiot!!

I have the typical observant wife. One evening after dinner, she handed me a bottle of that Rogaine hair restorer. I told her while I was indeed starting to thin out some, I didn't really think I needed hair restorer yet. She said, "Oh. It's not for you, it's for your secretary, she seems to be losing quite a bit of her hair on your jacket."

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists: 1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.) 2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping) 3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company) 4. "

Dear brother, I smile because you are my brother. I laugh because there is absolutely nothing you can do about it!

I'm not against Avril Lavigne or anything, I like her, but I heard this, and it was pretty funny. This is the changed lyric to the chorus of Complicated: "Why'd you have to go and make me so constipated? You see the way I'm scrunching up my pitiful face when I'm on the toilet, And during this I - I push, and I strain, and I sweat, and I pray, Dear Lord, that you'll let it come out; Sooner or later I'll have to leave the bathroom, Yeah, yeah, yeah..."

These are phrases found on funny T-shirts: *(camoflauge) Ha! Now you can't see me! * He did it --> *The leprechauns are after my stash. *I do what the voices tell me to do... *Not the brightest crayon in the box, are we? *See no homework, Speak no homework, Hear no homework, DO NO HOMEWORK. *I bet you were an ugly baby. *(Picture of Simpsons on it) I see dumb people... *I didn't do it. *(Scribbles all over it) Don't drink and draw. *(Picture of skunk) Silent but deadly... *He farted --> *(Picture of gas station) I have gas! *(Squirrels) Protect your nuts. *I'm out of bed and dressed, what more do you want? *Help! I talk too much! *(Upside down) If you can read this, please send me

Batman once wrote on the wall, "Superman is a wimp." The next day, Superman wrote "Batman is Bruce Wayne."

You Know You're Addicted to Ebay When... 1.) Every time you go to the grocery store, you offer the cashier one cent more for each item in the cart of the person in front of you. 2.) To cut costs, FedEx and UPS are considering relocating their operations centers to your house. 3.) Sitting on the floor of your empty apartment, you stare at your fingers and wonder whether they'll sell better, individually or as a matched set. 4.) Your spouse is loving and caring, but you decided to file for divorce because you need the storage space. 5.) You're the reason they adopted the "No selling your children's vital organs" policy. 6.) You find yourself searching eBay auctions for milk, eggs and br