For all of you who say I need anger management... Just to let you know, if I could control my anger, I'd destroy you with it!

This was seen on a bulletin board at a grocery store: "I have kidnapped myself. Please give me $2,000,000 and 5 tacos or you will never see me again." And a different one: "I'm missing, so I have gone to look for myself. If I come back here before I do, please keep me safe here until I return. Thanks!"

We and You is friends. You smile, We smile..... You hurt, We hurt.... You cry, We cry... You jump off a bridge... We gonna miss you!

After a hardy Indiana rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window. The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole. As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic. "Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!" she says as she shook the older boy in anger. "We were just playing 'church' mommy," he said. "I was baptizing him in the name of the Father, the Son and in the hole-he-goes."

These are actual bumper stickers that were found on people's cars: The proctologist called; they found your head. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke off. Guys; just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them. Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me. Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date. Some people just don't know how to drive. I call these people "Everybody But Me," Try not to let your mind wander, it's too small, it'll get lost. Welcome to America! Now, learn to speak English.

Little Tommy ran to his dad and said "Daddy, daddy! Watch me count." Tommy holds up his right hand, and, touching each finger, counts to five. "One, two, three, four, five." "Good!" his dad exclaimed. "Can you count higher?" Tommy pauses to think for a minute, then stretches his hand higher up in the air, past his head. "One, two, three, four, five..."

An inmate in Virginia sued himself for $5,000,000 for 'violating his rights by getting himself in prison.' However, since he can't get an income in prison, he requests that the government pay the money for him. A woman sued Kenmore Inc., after she gave her poodle a bath. She stuck him in the microwave on low to dry him off, and is suing Kenmore for the death of her dog. Four women have sued an Irvine restaurant after one of them claims she found a condom in her clam chowder when dining there last year. A 10-year-old boy tried to sue his landlord, because, he says, the toilet exploded when he flushed it. A 27-year-old man tried rocking a vending machine back and forth so he could try to s

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said. "No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven." "You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor." The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted, "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when the aren't looking. 2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms. 4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares, and see what happens 5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away. 6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department. 8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people

It is important for men to remember, that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain t he same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive and there ain't nothing worse then an oversensitive woman. My name is Doug .... Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Ernestine. When I was laid off from my consulting job and took "early retirement" in April, it became necessary for Ernestine to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the Golf

Could you fax me your photo very very urgently? Mind you it's really very very urgent, damn serious and very important ..... I'm playing cards and we've misplaced the JOKER.

This is how you know if you are addicted to the internet: 1) You kiss you girlfriend's home page. 2.) Your bookmarks list takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom. 3.) Your eyeglasses have a web site burned into them. 4.) You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to Google. 5.) You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines. 6.) You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop. 7.) You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap, and your kid in the overhead compartment. 8.) Your dreams are in HTML. 9.) You find yourself typing ".com" after every period when using a word processor. 10.) You