You have a face like a baby, with a brain to match. * Credited to my friend fqzeng.

(especially if you do this in public) Child: Would you still love me if I did something bad? Parent: Yes, of course. Child: I mean something REALLY bad. Parent: Of course... Child: No, I mean something REALLY really bad. Parent: No... Child: No, really. Something REALLY really really- Parent: ALL RIGHT! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO!!!???!!!???!!!???!!!???111///111///111///111/// Child: (Innocently) Nothing, why?

These are just a few of those typical sexist jokes- they make me chuckle ( or groan) so ya know- I'm a girl : ) *what's worse than a male chauvinist pig? - A woman who won't do what she's told. *I married Mrs. Right- I just wish I'd known her first name was Always * * How many men does it take to open a beer? -None. It should be open by thetime she brings it * What is the best way to always remember your wife's birthday? - Forget it once

Your Mama's so fat when she went to a hotel she asked for a water bed and they just covered up the pool with a blanket and said no divers.

The accountant's prayer: "Lord, help me be more relaxed about insignificant details, starting tomorrow at 10.53:16 am, Eastern Daylight Saving Time."

The accountant was visiting the Museum of Natural History and said to the person standing next to him, "That dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old." "How did you get such exact information?" "I was here ten months ago and the guide said the dinosaur was two billion years old."

There was a man who had problems with his penis getting hard. So he went to a doctor and said,"Doctor, can you please help me?" The doctor said,"Well we can put on replacement penis." There was a wood one, a metal one, and a 20 foot penis. The man said,"Yes, that will really help.. I'll take the wood one." The doctor told him to come back the next day to let him know how he liked it. The next day he came back and said,"Doctor, the wood penis is giving my girlfriend splinters and we can't have that." The doctor said,"Well, try the metal one and come back and tell me how it works." The next day he came back and said,"Doctor, its not working right. It's too cold for my girlfriend." The d

Feeling lost and adrift? Gain inner peace by learning the way of the Homer Simpson... Here are some Homeric jewels to live by: "The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of the bottle. They're on TV. "What's the point of going out? We're just going to end up back here anyway." "Trying is the first step toward failure." "You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once and move on." "Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?" "The three little sentences that will get you through life. No. 1: Cover for me. No. 2: Oh, good idea, boss. No. 3: It was like that when I got here.

"Somebody complimented on my driving today," a blonde told her friend, "I found a note on my windshield that said'Parking Fine'."

A gladiator was having a rough day at the arena-his opponent had sliced off both of his arms. Nevertheless, he fought on, kicking and biting as furiously as he could. But when his opponent lopped off both feet, the gladiator had no choice but to give up. He was now both unarmed and defeated.

Irvin is driving down the freeway to go to work when his cell phone rings. It's his wife: "Irving,I just heard on the news that there's a car going down the freeway in the wrong direction. Please try to be careful." "It's true,"Irving replies,"But not just one car- there are hundreds of them!"

A married couple, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th anniversary. During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one wish. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and POOF--the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise. Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted. He said, "I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me." So the fairy picked up her wand and POOF -- the husband was 90.