Why is Mississippi River unusual? Because it has four eyes and can't see!

Where did they sign the Declaration of Independence? At the bottom.

Teacher: Alvin, how many letters are in the alphabet? Alvin: 18. Teacher: Wrong, there are 26. Alvin: No, teacher, there used to be 26, but ET went home in a UFO and the CIA went after him.

Teacher: Name an animal that lives in the tundra. Pupil:A reindeer. Teacher: Good, now name another one. Pupil: Another reindeer.

"Teacher, I can't do this problem!" "Any five year old can do that problem." "Damn! No wonder I can't do it! I'm almost ten!"

Atlas is the biggest thief in history, because he held up the whole world.

Knock-knock. Who's there? Terra. Terra who? Terra reason you won't let me in?

What do you get when every car in the nation is pink? Answer: a pink carnation (the flower)

There once was a priest, a bishop, and the Pope. They were all at the park and they saw a deep pond. The Pope told the bishop and the priest, "I bet I can walk on water". So he goes to the pond and, amazingly, he walks on water and gets to the other side. Then the bishop tells the priest, "I bet I can walk on water". So the bishop goes to the pond and, amazingly, he walks on water and gets to the other side. The priest is so surprised by all this he decides to give it a shot, so he goes to the pond and he steps on the water but he falls in and gets drenched. On the other side, the Pope is telling the bishop, "Do you think we should've told him about the stepping stones in the pond?"

There were three Chinese men who were new to America. They went inside a telephone booth to make a call and they dialed the operator. The operator said i dont understand you, please call back when you know some english. So they were looking around and they heard someone say, "I did it! I did it!" So the first Chinese man learned those words. Then the second Chinese man heard someone say, "For 50 cents, 50 cents." so he learned those words. Then the third man heard someone say, "Im first. Im first." so the last Chinese guy learned those words. Then right in front of them was a body that was murdered. A cop came and took them to court. So when they went to court the judge asked, "Who did it?"

Two blondes decide to go duck hunting. Neither one has ever been before, but they decide to go anyway. They take a couple of guns and a hunting dog and head out into the woods. A few hours later, they still haven't caught anything. "I don't get it," says the first blonde. "Why haven't we caught anything yet?" The second blonde says,"I keep telling you, I just don't think we're throwing the dog high enough."

Have you heard about the new blonde paint? It's not too bright but it spreads real easy.