New Rules New Rules Dear Employee: As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retir

How To Keep The IT Guy Happy When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't ge

Knock-knock! Who's there? Yoda! Yoda who? Yo-da door's stuck! Lemme in!

At weddings old people poke me and say, "You're next!" At funerals, I do the same.

Yo momma so fat, she used pillowcases for socks.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food. 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap. GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED: 1) Raising teenagers is like

Friend 1:"Yeh,you are looking too fat." Friend 2:"You are looking too old." Friend 1:"I am not old." Friend 2:"Then, I am not too fat."

My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for people like you." "Oh, great," he said, "What is it?" "It's called the door!"

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea. If this is tea, please bring me some coffee.

Q. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have? A. Very large hands. Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand. Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep? A. No Problems , He sleeps at night.

Q. The Bay of Bengal is in which state? A. Liquid Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? A. It will get Wet or Sink as simple as that. Q. What looks like half of an apple ? A. The other half. Q. What happened when the wheel was invented? A. It caused a revolution.