Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him. "And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked. "Mother," he replied,"they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night." "Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?" "Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."

"And will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two. "No, thank you," the gentleman replied. "That will be all." As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife?" he asked. "Yeah! That's a good idea," the fellow said... "Please bring up a postcard. I'll mail her a note!"

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!" The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "BITCH!!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 am, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door, and the assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps

There are three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees." The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked. The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'"

A hotdog walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender replies, "Sorry, we don't serve food here".

Two beggars are sitting on a park bench outside a church on a Sunday morning. They are both dressed in rags, each is holding a top hat, the one has a large cross around his neck and the other a large Star of David. After church, the congregants file out, each placing money in the hat belonging to the beggar with the cross while ignoring the beggar with the Star of David. Soon the hat of the beggar with the cross is overflowing with money while the other beggar's hat remains empty. A priest who has been watching this approaches the bench and says to the beggar with the Star of David around his neck "My son, surely you realize you are in a Christian country, in a Christian neighborhood, on

Why are the blonde's boobs square? She forgot to take the tissues out of the box!

A trucker hauling computers and accessories is driving down the highway late one night when he sees a truck stop on the side of the road, so he decides to pull over. On approaching the door he reads a sign: "NO NERDS". He shrugs it off and enters. He is greeted by the end of a shotgun barrel in his face. "Are you a nerd?" the bartender asks. "No, I'm a truck driver", he replies. He's allowed to come in, so he orders a cup of coffee, sits at the bar and drinks it. While he drinks his coffee, a man walks in wearing his pants up to his chest, a plaid shirt, pocket protector and thick-framed glasses. The bartender pulls out his shotgun and blows him away. "What the hell did you do that for!?" A

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament. Dear Bubba, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the lot for me. Love Dad A few days later he received a letter from his son. Dear Dad, For heaven's sake, dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES! Love Bubba At 4 the next morning, F.B.I. agents and loc

How do you know if a dummy has been sending e-mail? You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive.

How do a blond's braincells die? Alone.