What is the difference between a drunk and a druggie? Drunks run a stop sign and druggies stop at it and wait till it turns green.

Shannon received a phone call from the foreman plant that her husband worked at. He sounded grim and she immediately knew something was wrong. "What happened? Is Patrick all right? Please tell me he's ok," she said. The man on the line said, "Shannon, there was an accident at the brewery and your husband is . . . dead." "Oh my goodness, what happened?" Shannon asked. The foreman replied, "He fell into a vat of beer." "Did he at least die quickly?" sobbed Shannon. The man paused, then said, "Well, no . . . he got out three times to use the bathroom."

While fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He knew how to swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any alligators around here?" The beachcomber shouted back, "Nah! We ain't seen gators in these parts for years." Feeling safe, the tourist began swimming leisurely towards the shore. About halfway there, he shouted, "Hey, how'd you get rid of the alligators?" The beachcomber said, "We didn't do anything. The sharks got 'em."

Q: What did baby corn say to mama corn? A: Where's pop corn?

You're so stupid you got locked in an open convertibale car.

Yo momma is so fat. She has more ass than a donkey farm.

Yo momma so dumb she took back the donut because it had a hole in it!

How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb? I don't know. They can't get the dead one out.

Some items have the strangest directions/ warnings. Here are a few I've noticed. On a toilet plunger: Do not use as an umbrella. On a carton of milk: May contain dairy products. On a tricycle: Will hurt if on top of someone. On popcorn: Will pop if heated. On candy: Directions: Take of wrapper, insert into mouth, chew, and swallow. (No, really?) On bean bags used for juggling: Do not eat. On lunchmeat: Do not mistake as toilet paper. On Gameboy: To play,you must have a thumb. After computer error: Keyboard malfunction, press enter to continue. On coke bottle: Do not try to insert head. On skateboard: May move if rode on. On shampoo bottle: Warning: May create a lather. Roadsign:

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit ? A: The bucket.

A dog is a man's best friend because it gives no advice, never tries to borrow money, and has no in-laws.

With so much turmoil in the world, God decided to pay a visit to earth to check things out. He strolled into a bar and approached the first man he saw. "If you believe in me enough to give me $50," he said, "I will grant you eternal life." "Sorry, I'm an atheist," the fellow replied, "and have never believed in God." God walked up to another man and made the same offer. "Well, I'm an agnostic and not really sure if I believe in you or not," the guy said, "but here's 50 bucks, just in case." As the Lord turned away, a third man ran up to him. "I'm Pat Robertson and don't really care if you're God or not," he said excitedly. "Just teach me the trick you did with the agnostic and I'll give