1.How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back? 2.Yeah, I used to cut class a lot too. 3.Let me smell that shirt-don't worry, its good for another week. 4.Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed him and walk him every day. 5.That outfit isn't sexy enough, here, unbutton your blouse. 6.Why don't you hitchhike? It would be totally cheaper. 7.The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here. 8.Don't clean your room often; It makes the rest of the house look bad. 9.Can I borrow your new speed-metal CDs? 10.Naw, you don't have to call me, I'll eventually figure out what to do.

Why are there so few amusement parks in Japan? Because they aren't tall enough to ride them!

A man and his doctor are discussing a surgery the man will soon undergo. The doctor asks if there are any last questions. "Doctor, will I be able to play my violin after this surgery?" "Of course! Why would you think you couldn't?" "I couldn't play it before."

Knock knock. Who's there? Sue. Sue who? I'll sue you if ya don't let me in!

One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books: the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. Surprised, he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books?" "Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

A teacher decides to have Career Day in her class. She asks each student to tell the class what their father's job is, spell it, and then explain what they do. Mary stands up and says, "My father is a policeman. P -O-L-I-C-E-M-A-N. He puts bad people in jail and keeps us all safe." Sue stands up next and says, "My father is a doctor. D-O-C-T-O-R. He helps sick people get better." Bobby is next. He stands up and says, "My father is a pharmacist. F...F-R..." The teacher tells Bobby to sit down and try to figure it out and moves on to the next kid. Johnny stands up next and says, "My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E. He'd give you 10-1 odds that Bobby is never going to spell 'pharmac

Q: How can you tell if a blonde has stolen your bike? A: She's running away with it under her arm.

Two guys are out walking their dogs one day and decide to stop at a bar to get a drink. When they get there, however, there's a sign on the door that says, "No Pets Allowed." The guys are about to go home when one of them gets an idea. He tells his friend to wait a few minutes and then follow his lead. He puts on his sunglasses and walks in with his German Shepherd. The bartender sees him walk in with the dog and says, "Can't you read? No pets allowed in here!" The guy says, "But I'm blind. This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender thinks for a minute and decides to let him stay. Meanwhile, the friend is watching through the window. He sees the plan work for the first guy so he decid

This guy sits down at the bar, and starts telling the bartendar, "I've been married for 12 years now and I want some variety. I'm sick of the same old thing! I want something different!" The bartendar says, "12 years thats a long time, you don't want to do anything stupid! Hell, if ya want something different just flip her over!" The man replies, "What? And have a houseful of kids!"

An Indian man made a painting with the sun above a beach. He proudly displayed his painting. When people marvel at his work and asked, "What's it called?" He said, "Sun of a Beach."

Did you hear about the tree that made an Ash of itself?

Yo momma so dumb, that when we told her it was chilly outside she ran out with a bowl and a spoon.