There was a man who had problems with his penis getting hard. So he went to a doctor and said,"Doctor, can you please help me?" The doctor said,"Well we can put on replacement penis." There was a wood one, a metal one, and a 20 foot penis. The man said,"Yes, that will really help.. I'll take the wood one." The doctor told him to come back the next day to let him know how he liked it. The next day he came back and said,"Doctor, the wood penis is giving my girlfriend splinters and we can't have that." The doctor said,"Well, try the metal one and come back and tell me how it works." The next day he came back and said,"Doctor, its not working right. It's too cold for my girlfriend." The d

Feeling lost and adrift? Gain inner peace by learning the way of the Homer Simpson... Here are some Homeric jewels to live by: "The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of the bottle. They're on TV. "What's the point of going out? We're just going to end up back here anyway." "Trying is the first step toward failure." "You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once and move on." "Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?" "The three little sentences that will get you through life. No. 1: Cover for me. No. 2: Oh, good idea, boss. No. 3: It was like that when I got here.

"Somebody complimented on my driving today," a blonde told her friend, "I found a note on my windshield that said'Parking Fine'."

A gladiator was having a rough day at the arena-his opponent had sliced off both of his arms. Nevertheless, he fought on, kicking and biting as furiously as he could. But when his opponent lopped off both feet, the gladiator had no choice but to give up. He was now both unarmed and defeated.

Irvin is driving down the freeway to go to work when his cell phone rings. It's his wife: "Irving,I just heard on the news that there's a car going down the freeway in the wrong direction. Please try to be careful." "It's true,"Irving replies,"But not just one car- there are hundreds of them!"

A married couple, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th anniversary. During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one wish. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and POOF--the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise. Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted. He said, "I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me." So the fairy picked up her wand and POOF -- the husband was 90.

A man phoned up an exclusive escort agency and asked for a woman. "No problem," said the receptionist. "There's just one thing," said the man,"she has to be 6' 6" tall and weigh 48lbs." "Mmm,let me see --yes we can do that for you, but it will be expensive," said the receptionist. "That's o.k," said the man. "When do you want her?". "Tomorrow night at 7pm," said the man. The next night the doorbell rings and a painfully thin 6' 6" black woman is standing on his doorstep. "Come in, take off all your clothes and go down on all fours," said the man. She complies with his request. He opens the kitchen door and a scrawny black labrador emerges. The woman thinks, "Oh shit, what have I l

Harry did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl standing in front of his bed. "What the hell are you doing in my bedroom? and who are you?" he asked. "This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven." "WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die - I'm too young." said Harry. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately." "It's not that easy", said St.Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen. You can choose on your own." Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a ni

How many teachers does it take to change a lightbulb? Two, one to turn it the other to grade the person.

Q: Why do blondes drive VWs ? A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE

After class ends a 1st grader goes up to his teacher and says, "I don't mean to scare you Teacher but my parents said that if I keep getting bad grades, then..." "Somebody's gonna get a spanking." (nodnod)

One weekend, a couple were having breakfast when the radio suddenly blared, "We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow! Please move your car to the even numbered side of the street so that the street sweepers can come through!" So the wife goes out and moves her car. The next weekend, the couple were having breakfast when the radio suddenly blared, "We are expecting 10-12 inches of snow! Please move your car to the odd numbered side of the street so that the street sweepers can come through!" So the wife goes out and moves her car. The next weekend, the couple were having breakfast when the radio suddenly blared, "We are expecting 12-14 inches of snow! Please move your car to the-" And sudde